I thought that this was going to be the year that I went undefeated, but the Eagles absolutely fucked that idea up. Saquon was well on track then that second half offensive performance happened. Fucking dumb. Anyway, great week 3. Had multiple tight games, some stupid fucking trades, some egregious FAAB use for a team that has zero playoff aspirations and Ben almost broke 100 points. For those unaware, Ben is in Kenya for the next year. Don’t worry though, his Fantasy team is probably in better hands by being left alone than having him consistently involved.
Week 3 Recap
CTB RUINS MY PERFECT SEASON
The Batgirls finally lost, and unfortunately it was to Lou. CTB has now gone from “pretty good start” to “hmmm… maybe this isn’t a fluke”. I don’t know. I don’t care either. Davante Adams will eventually come back to earth. I’m sure of it!
SAD DADS STILL WON’T FUCKING LOSE
Sad Dads handled Funkles and moved to 6-0. Funkles are in complete turmoil and the Sad Dads continue to be the most consistent team across the 5 years of this great league.
TVB WINS BY 1.28 BECAUSE OF COURSE
Pat beat TCs by 1.28 points because apparently TVB has decided comfortable wins are beneath them. The cigs falls to 1-5 and continues building the strongest “my team is better than my record” campaign in league history but has a valiant challenger in the Funkles.
E-GLOCK WINS THE BROTHER WAR
VVBC beat NIM, then followed it up by outbidding them for Ollie Gordon. Losing to your brother on Sunday and then getting your waiver claim stolen by him is a pretty efficient two-day kick in the dick. Eric owns a gun too which is sick. Ry doesn’t. Maybe he’d still have his golf clubs if he did own a gun.
ZYN ALMOST SCORES 100 🎉
Ben put up his best score of the season against TPSK and STILL went 0-2. 0-6 through three weeks. At this point the median isn’t a scoring system, it’s a second opponent specifically designed to bully him. Ben’s excellent week comes as he departs this great nation and moves to Africa for the next year.
2026 SCS Week 3 Rankings
| Rank | Team | Points | Trend |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Sad Dads | 92.1 | ↑2 |
| 2 | The Bitchin’ Batgirls | 89.8 | ↓1 |
| 3 | Choking the Belichicken | 81.7 | ↓1 |
| 4 | Transgender Cigarettes | 79.7 | ↔ |
| 5 | The Funky Uncles | 75.8 | ↔ |
| 6 | The Violent Beauregardes | 72.2 | ↔ |
| 7 | Viagra Valley Blue Chews | 68.1 | ↑1 |
| 8 | The Portuguese Short Kings | 63.6 | ↓1 |
| 9 | 9 Inch Males | 47.7 | ↔ |
| 10 | ZYN Dynasty | 36.8 | ↔ |
We finally have a new #1. Sad Dads jumps from third to first after three straight strong weeks and being the only remaining undefeated team. The computer still loves TCs significantly more than their actual record, which is becoming funnier every week.
SuperSix Update
2026 Loser List as of Week 3
| TEAM | WEEKS THEY WERE A LOSER | LEAGUE FUND MONEY |
|---|---|---|
| ZYN Dynasty | Weeks 1 thru 3 | $15 |
Week 4 Preview & Picks
This is exactly the type of matchup that makes me nervous because there is absolutely no reason I should lose it. NIM is 0-6, has already started moving pieces around and is currently the worst team in the league. This is essentially a 9 team league for reference. ZYN Dynasty is that bad. Batgirls get back on track.
This one is actually pretty interesting. Funkles really needs this one. 2-4 isn’t dead by any means, but 2-6 starts to look pretty fucking gross. TPSK has been all over the place but is somehow sitting at .500 and has enough on the roster to be a pain in the ass. Feels like one of those matchups where the loser is going to be way more pissed off than the winner is excited. I’ll take TPSK.
The standings say this shouldn’t be close. The computer says it absolutely should. TCs are somehow 1-5 and still #4 in SCS, while CTB has become one of the hottest teams in the league. There’s also a Super Six group potentially riding on it. If Garvey is ever going to prove the computer isn’t completely full of shit, this would be a decent time. CTB keeps rolling.
Ben nearly scored 100 last week. We’re very proud of him. VVBC is suddenly 3-3, just unloaded three established players, spent nearly its entire FAAB wallet on Ollie Gordon and is now entering a matchup it absolutely cannot explain losing. Which, naturally, makes this terrifying. VVBC. Please don’t make me regret this.
GAME OF THE WEEK
This one actually matters everywhere. Sad Dads is the league’s only undefeated team. TVB is 5-1. They’re first and fourth in the standings, and the winner takes Group B of the Super Six. Pat has spent the first three weeks quietly winning games while Sad Dads has spent the first three weeks making all of us slowly accept that they’re probably very good. Something has to give. And since I have already been removed from the undefeated club, I see no reason John should be allowed to stay there alone. TVB ends the streak.
Signing off,
Your Beloved Commissioner
