Yeah yeah yeah. I didn’t write a blog last week. Grow the fuck up. I spent a lot of time trying to get ChatGPT to be as witty and funny as me so I didn’t have to write these anymore. Unfortunately, that shit fucking sucks at trying to be funny, so I am stuck with writing a bulk of the funny things here. Week 1 was great, I dominated. Week 2 was also great, I dominated again. There was a pretty substantial shift in how i would have seen things from week 1 to week 2 so I’m glad that I didn’t write a blog last week otherwise Mata would have been trading for everyone under the sun. Let’s do a rapid-fire recap.
Week 2 Recap
Sad Dads Stay Perfect, NIM Starts Looking Toward the Future
Sad Dads took care of business and remain one of the league’s two unbeaten teams. They’ve been steady through two weeks and haven’t given us much to make fun of yet. NIM’s rough start continues, and apparently, they’ve seen enough. Breece Hall is already out the door for Judkins and a future second. The rebuild may not officially be underway, but the permits have been pulled.
Batgirls Keep Rolling, TCs Can’t Turn Talent Into Wins [SuperSix]
The Batgirls move to 4-0 and remain at the top of both the standings and SCS. For once, assembling a loaded fantasy roster appears to be working. TCs falls to 1-3 despite the computer still liking them quite a bit. They also added Breece this week, so the roster somehow got better. Eventually this needs to translate into wins or Garvey is going to quit working at EDA… oh wait.
TVB Is Quietly Becoming a Problem [SuperSix]
TVB is quietly 3-1 and starting to look pretty legit. I don’t know if I’m ready to fully buy in yet, but they’re making it harder to keep pretending this isn’t happening. The Funkles fall to 2-2, but there’s really no reason to panic. The roster is still good and they’ve had a tougher opening schedule. We’ll revisit this take if they’re 2-6 in two weeks.
CTB Wakes Up, Short Kings Come Back to Earth
Probably the biggest statement of Week 2. CTB looked completely different from Week 1 and jumps all the way to #2 in SCS. TPSK followed up an awesome opening week by immediately reminding everyone that this is still fantasy football. I like the roster, but two weeks in, I have absolutely no idea what the hell this team is and I don’t Mata does either.
Blue Chews Get on the Board, ZYN Remains Under Construction
VVBC gets its first win against the worst team that has ever existed so to take pride in that would be an interesting choice. They’re still near the bottom of the rankings, but 1-3 looks a whole lot nicer than 0-4. ZYN is 0-4 and dead last in SCS. We knew this was a rebuild, but even rebuilds generally involve some building. Ben is building something that appears to have no intention of ever being occupied.
2026 SCS Week 2 Rankings
| Rank | Team | Points | Trend |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | The Bitchin’ Batgirls | 90.9 | ↔ |
| 2 | Choking the Belichicken | 87.4 | ↑4 |
| 3 | Sad Dads | 84.8 | ↑1 |
| 4 | Transgender Cigarettes | 79.8 | ↓1 |
| 5 | The Funky Uncles | 77.9 | ↓3 |
| 6 | The Violent Beauregardes | 77.4 | ↓1 |
| 7 | The Portuguese Short Kings | 60.8 | ↔ |
| 8 | Viagra Valley Blue Chews | 56.9 | ↔ |
| 9 | 9 Inch Males | 52.3 | ↔ |
| 10 | ZYN Dynasty | 36.8 | ↔ |
The computer is still higher on TCs than the standings are. They’re seventh in the table but fourth in SCS because the underlying roster remains strong and 265.08 points through two weeks isn’t remotely seventh-place production. Batgirls stay #1. Unfortunately the computer continues to be extremely intelligent.
2026 Coaches Poll Week 2 Rankings
I have cancelled this poll for the foreseeable future because most of you are cunts and don’t participate. Fuck you.
2026 Loser List as of Week 2
| TEAM | WEEKS THEY WERE A LOSER | LEAGUE FUND MONEY |
|---|---|---|
| ZYN Dynasty | Weeks 1 thru 2 | $10 |
Week 3 Preview & Picks
Alright boys, the adults are going to leave the room and let you figure this one out. NIM is 0-4 and has already started selling off assets. VVBC finally got a win last week and immediately celebrated by spending $31 on Bryce Young. This is exactly the kind of game that deserves way more attention than it should get. VVBC wins the battle of the brothers.
TPSK has given us one very good week and one very bad week, so I’m excited to find out which team actually exists. Ben, meanwhile, remains committed to the long game. Very long. Possibly geological. If the Short Kings want to be taken seriously this year, this is pretty much the definition of a game you cannot screw up. TPSK in a fucking landslide.
TVB is 3-1 and quietly handling business. TCs is 1-3 and somehow still sitting comfortably ahead of them in SCS. Now TCs went out and added Breece because apparently the solution to not winning was simply acquiring another good player. At some point this roster has to actually win, right? TCs get on the board and out of the hole they’ve started in.
Sad Dads are 4-0, which feels like something we should probably start taking seriously. Unfortunately. Funkles is sitting at 2-2, but this doesn’t really feel like an undefeated team playing a .500 team. They’re still dangerous, and a win here would make the top of the standings significantly more interesting. I’m not rooting for either of you. Sad Dads taking the much better battle of the brothers matchup.
GAME OF THE WEEK
Alright, this is the one. The Batgirls have gotten basically everything they could’ve asked for through two weeks, while CTB apparently used Week 1 as a preseason game and has been climbing ever since. The computer now has these as the two best teams in the league. One of us gets to leave this week feeling extremely validated. I would prefer it be me. Batgirls roll.
I’d like to think this was a good balance of AI slop and my stellar writing skills.
Signing off,
Your Beloved Commissioner
