We are so fucking back.
It has been a weird offseason. A.J. Brown is a Patriot, Kenneth Walker won a Super Bowl and immediately fucked off to Kansas City, DJ Moore somehow ended up with Josh Allen, Mike Evans is a 49er and there are about 15 other players I’m going to forget changed teams until I see them on RedZone Sunday.
The Super League had its own offseason bullshit, rosters have been shuffled around, Freakbody continued his multi-year attempt to build a football team entirely out of future assets, and we finally held the rookie draft.
None of that matters anymore.
Week 1 is here, everybody is 0-0, and I’ve added more unnecessary tournaments to this league in the Super Six.
Before we get into the upcoming season, below is the all-time rankings in the league…
2026 SCS Preseason Rankings
| Rank | Team | Points | Trend |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | The Bitchin’ Batgirls | 94.0 | ↔ |
| 2 | The Funky Uncles | 91.2 | ↔ |
| 3 | Transgender Cigarettes | 88.4 | ↔ |
| 4 | Sad Dads | 85.6 | ↔ |
| 5 | The Violent Beauregardes | 82.1 | ↔ |
| 6 | Choking the Belichicken | 78.8 | ↔ |
| 7 | The Portuguese Short Kings | 74.8 | ↔ |
| 8 | Viagra Valley Blue Chews | 70.9 | ↔ |
| 9 | 9 Inch Males | 66.7 | ↔ |
| 10 | ZYN Dynasty | 58.9 | ↔ |
The computer likes the Batgirls. Good computer. ZYN Dynasty begins its journey exactly where everyone expected them to. That is all the explanation the SCS gets. Play better.
2026 Coaches Poll Preseason Rankings
| Rank | Team | Avg. Rank | Trend |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | The Bitchin’ Batgirls (4) | 1.57 | ↔ |
| 2 | Sad Dads (1) | 2.14 | ↔ |
| 3 | Transgender Cigs (2) | 3.71 | ↔ |
| 4 | The Violent Beauregardes | 4.00 | ↔ |
| 5 | The Funky Uncles | 4.71 | ↔ |
| T6 | Choking the Belichicken | 6.57 | ↔ |
| T6 | The Portuguese Short Kings | 6.57 | ↔ |
| 8 | Viagra Valley Blue Chews | 7.57 | ↔ |
| 9 | 9 Inch Males | 8.14 | ↔ |
| 10 | ZYN Dynasty | 10.00 | ↔ |
Seven ballots came in and the coaches agreed with the SCS on two things: the Batgirls are No. 1 and ZYN Dynasty is No. 10. Everything in between is apparently up for debate.
Week 1 Preview & Picks
There is rebuilding, and then there is ZYN Dynasty. To Ben’s credit, the draft was excellent and the roster finally has some genuinely interesting young pieces. Unfortunately, most of the payoff is scheduled for a future date. CTB are older, uglier and significantly more prepared to win a fantasy football game in September 2026. CTB.
This is a sneaky fun matchup between two teams that could look very different by the middle of the season. Mata has been building the Short Kings around youth for what feels like 14 consecutive years, and now Jeanty, Bowers, Ladd and company actually have to win some games. TPSK start off with a bang.
I actually think Pat is being underrated by the computer here. CeeDee and JSN give the Beauregardes plenty of juice, and there are enough young pieces around them for this team to be annoying all year. VVBC aren’t bad either, but somebody has to be eighth. TVB begin with a win.
GAME OF THE WEEK
This is the game of the week for me. The SCS has Garvey at No. 2 and Sad Dads at No. 3, while the coaches flipped them, so at least one ranking system gets to feel smart immediately. Garvey’s team is annoyingly loaded, but Sad Dads might be the deepest team in the league and just added Jeremiyah Love to the equation. Sad Dads start off with a W
COMMUNITY SHIELD
The computer and the coaches both put the Batgirls at No. 1, which feels like an absolutely terrific way to guarantee a Week 1 loss. Jake comes in at No. 4 in the SCS but only No. 5 with the coaches, and the Funky Uncles are exactly the kind of veteran team that could immediately make all of this preseason ranking shit look stupid. Still, I didn’t build the computer just to ignore it in the first fucking week. Batgirls start hot.
Signing off for the FIRST TIME this season,
Your Beloved Commissioner
