I’m back baby. The international break allowed for the step blogger to once again hone his skills. If he would write as much as me, I would probably utilize his skill set more often but he seems to lack in the words department. He’s a pretty bright fellow but for some reason reading some of his sentences gave me a fuckin brain aneurysm. Anyway, the time has come, and we are officially entering our final week. While the playoff teams are set, the picture itself is still very much open. Unfortunately, there are only two matchups in Week 14 that have playoff teams facing against one another. Let’s dive into the week that was and get a look at the final week of the regular season. What a fantastic year it has been.
Week 13 Recap
They’re Just A Consistent Bunch
TBB cruised to their 8th straight win of the season in a contest that never really got close. Even with Baker Mayfield’s bang average performance, the Batgirls still put in a top 3 scoring week. Consistency continues to be a strong theme for TBB as we move down the stretch. While CD’s Thursday night performance certainly helped, TBB had no players with less than double digit points. Trey McBride’s continued development has been a huge boost for the team as well following the loss of Mark Andrews. Rachaad White appears to be a very valuable late season addition by the girls as he continues to provide a solid floor week-in and week-out. If there was one negative to speak about in the matchup it would have to be the devastating injury to newly promoted WR, Tank Dell. Whoever is the play caller in Houston should be fired for putting Tank Dell’s little ass that close to a goal line rush. Prayers for him as he’s done for the season. Fuck me. TPSK on the other hand had a tough week as byes completely decimated their WR room. DK’s Thursday night explosion for 3 TDs couldn’t even keep them in this matchup. They did, however, make some lates moves on Sunday night to field a full lineup which the league very much appreciates. There were very little positives to take away from their Week 13 performance but seeing Hurts continue to produce (despite an overall poor game) and DK continuing to shine has to be a good sign for the future. They are in a rebuilding phase anyway so the week-to-week grind is not much of a concern.
Nursing Home FC Come Alive
The old men came to play this week for the Nine Inch Males and boy they fucking needed it. NIM came into the week 2-4 in their last 6 games and there’s nothing better for a team reeling like that than matching up with the Trans Cigs. NIM got some monster performances from geriatric Derrick Henry and James Conner. James Conner isn’t even old, but he’s been in the league for so long that I just assumed he was old. Anyway, their RBs carried the week for NIM as they put up over 75% of their team’s points. That is fucking insane… Mahomes’ struggles on Sunday night were not a positive sign and it appears that Adam Thielen has FINALLY tapered off and has returned to his expected form. Starting Amari Cooper over Cooper Kupp was a bold decision, but they may have just been confused when setting their lineup. Overall, a win is a win, and you can’t harp on the negatives too much. Justin Jefferson’s anticipated return in Week 14 could be a huge boost to NIM and I think they are very much still a team that you don’t want to play. TCs put out a full line-up (thank you) and they luckily escaped being the lowest scorer of the week. There are very little positives to takeaway for them EVER BUT Nico Collins looked damn good, and Kyle Pitts did some points!
Funkin Looking Good
The blogs have been VERY harsh on The Funkles recently and truthfully, I think it was more than deserving. Luckily for them, they took that hate as bulletin board material and put on a fantastic Week 13 performance. While missing the playoffs was never a real possibility, a get back game was CRUCIAL for the Funkles and they most definitely got that. CMC & Achane’s performances were the catalyst for the Funkles and Geno’s Thursday night explosion gave them a sizeable lead early. I think I can definitely elevate the Funkles out of the pretender category and they are officially being labeled as FRISKY. They have the pieces to be able to compete each week but overall, I think they are just going to be overmatched in most playoff matchups. Spicy Boys had a tough one this week as they lost their star RB in Brian Robinson. There’s not much news on the extent of the injury but that is a brutal blow for the boys. David Montgomery continues to steal touchdowns from Jahmyr Gibbs and Rashee Rice is starting to look like a damn good player. I never realized how big he is. I like him. Good player. Their QB factory had some solid performances this week as Jordan Love may very well be a good QB. When you’re out of the picture, sometimes just seeing your guys shine (whether you started them or not), is all that really matters!
Another Dose of Violence
TVB could not have gotten any luckier with the timing of Dak Prescott’s current resurgence. They already were boasting an elite lineup with their powerhouse of a WR room, but Dak’s current run of form makes them almost unbeatable. TVB cruised to a monstrous victory and claimed a Top 3 score on the entire year. What was most interesting for TVB this week was their very uncharacteristic usage of running backs. This was only the second time in 13 weeks that they have rolled out more than the required amount of RBs. Unfortunately, none of them did much aside from Pacheco (I fucking love that little psycho), but when you have the WR group that they have, it didn’t matter much. Mike Evans continues to be one of the most underrated WRs of ALL TIME while Tyreek Hill’s all-time season rolled in with another 150+ yard receiving game and a pair of touchdowns. Rookie TE Sam LaPorta also kept it rolling with a 29-point explosion on some serious volume. TVB have been nothing short of spectacular this season and are more than deserving of their flowers. They have officially clinched the 2023 Commissioner’s Cup and barring something catastrophic, they will take home of top scorer of year prize. Special, special season for TVB. CTB on the other hand actually had a solid week. Christian Watson had a fantastic game on SNF but unfortunately got hurt. I saw something on twitter, and I don’t think there’s ever been a better comparison. Christian Watson is just Will Fuller reborn. Absolute stud receiver who has a body that is made of paper mâché. That man is chronically injured. Michael Pittman also had a great week, but Marquise Brown’s 0.00 stat line was probably less than helpful. CTB are in tank mode, so a win here was something they never really wanted. Writing about the bad teams in this league is incredibly difficult.
Jake Browning, Welcome to the Fucking League
Our final matchup of the week was genuinely fucking electric. There were times early on in the game where it looked like ZYN Dynasty was going to fall short, but Jake Browning turned it the fuck on and put in a monster performance. The double win for ZYN Dynasty was critical as it pretty much assures them a spot in the playoffs as a 4/5 seed. Last week’s writer questioned the decision making of Ben in regard to starting Jake Browning. Turns out, Jake Browning might be pretty fucking good. He was UBER efficient with his passing and even added a rushing TD. He also completed the triple crown by having a -7-yard reception. Overall, ZYN Dynasty had a very good week behind Deebo & Chase. The performance from Chase is a huge positive as clearly, he can still perform without Burrow. Sad Dads on the other hand had a tough week and one that now creates some nerves heading into the final week of the regular season. The decision to start Wilson over Herbert definitely seemed odd but, in the end, it was the correct call. Lawrence’s injury could spell some trouble for Etienne though he still put in a solid performance on Monday night. The Sad Dads are more than likely okay and should be able to secure the first-round bye but BOY they are going to have to sweat this one out.
2023-2024 Post-Week 13 Power Rankings
I’ve decided to welcome back our beloved bottom feeders because ranking them separately has been more painstaking than beneficial.
- The Violent Beauregardes (23-3) [-]: An incredible season for TVB has seen them just completely dominate the league. They are a win away from the best record in regular season history.
- Sad Dads (20-6) [-]: They will be sweating out Week 14…
- The Bitchin Batgirls (19-7) [-]: TBB unfortunately floundered in the beginning of the season, severely hurting their chances of getting a 1st round bye but they are no doubt a threat to those above them.
- ZYN Dynasty (16-10) [-]: While this team may be frauds, it’s the performance of others that sees them climb the ranks this week.
- Nine Inch Males (15-11) [-]: The retirement home luckily got a healthy dose of steroids prior to Week 13 and gave NIM a much-needed boost heading into the final week of the season.
- The Funky Uncles (14-12) [-]: A big week at the right time. They can’t move up the rankings in good faith, but they are definitely showing signs of life after a tough stretch of games.
- The Portuguese Short Kings (6-20) [UP 1]: They continue to show some promise and put in a solid shift despite missing many key pieces.
- Spicy Boys (6-20) [DN 1] A tough week for the boys sees them slip a hair in the rankings. They will be sad that they weren’t able to continue their giant killing ways.
- Choking the Belichicken (6-20) [-]: Some positives, some negatives but they will be happy about where they currently sit in the table.
- Transgender Cigs (5-21) [-]: They are right where they want to be this time of year.
SCS (SuperLeague Championship Series) Rankings & Coaches’ Poll
| Rank | Team | Points | Trend |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | The Violent Beauregardes | 116 | ↔ |
| 2 | Sad Dads | 107 | ↔ |
| 3 | The Bitchin’ Batgirls | 106 | ↔ |
| 4 | ZYN Dynasty | 103 | ↔ |
| 5 | Nine Inch Males | 97 | ↔ |
| 6 | The Funky Uncles | 91 | ↔ |
| 7 | Spicy Boys | 82 | ↔ |
| 8 | The Portuguese Short Kings | 82 | ↔ |
| 9 | Choking the Belichicken | 80 | ↔ |
| 10 | Transgender Cigarettes | 72 | ↔ |
The Coaches for this week are:
- Derek Ross – Spicy Boys Co-President & Governor
- Michael Garvey – Trans Cigs President & Governor
- Ryan Dasch – NIM President & Governor
- Pat Shetzline – TVB President & Governor
| Rank | Team | Avg. Rank | Trend |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | The Violent Beauregardes (2) | 1.75 | ↔ |
| 2 | The Bitchin’ Batgirls | 2.50 | ↑1 |
| 3 | Sad Dads (1) | 2.75 | ↓1 |
| 4 | ZYN Dynasty | 4.00 | ↔ |
| 5 | Nine Inch Males | 5.25 | ↔ |
| 6 | The Funky Uncles | 6.25 | ↑1 |
| 7 | The Portuguese Short Kings | 7.50 | ↓1 |
| 8 | Transgender Cigs (1) | 7.75 | ↔ |
| 9 | Spicy Boys | 8.25 | ↔ |
| 10 | Choking the Belichicken | 9.00 | ↔ |
Stats & Info as of Week 13
AVERAGE WEEKLY POSITION
| Rank | Team | Avg. Weekly Position |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | The Violent Beauregardes | 2.54 |
| 2 | Sad Dads | 3.85 |
| 3 | The Bitchin’ Batgirls | 3.92 |
| 4 | ZYN Dynasty | 4.69 |
| 5 | Nine Inch Males | 4.92 |
| 6 | The Funky Uncles | 6.15 |
| 7 | Spicy Boys | 6.38 |
| 8 | The Portuguese Short Kings | 7.00 |
| 9 | Choking the Belichicken | 7.31 |
| 10 | Transgender Cigs | 8.23 |
LOSER LIST AS OF WEEK 13
| TEAM | WEEKS THEY WERE A LOSER | LEAGUE FUND MONEY |
| Trans Cigs | Week 1, Week 5, Week 6, Week 9, Week 11, Week 12, Week 13 | $35 |
| NIM | Week 4, Week 8 | $10 |
| TPSK | Week 2 | $5 |
| Spicy Boys | Week 3 | $5 |
| Funkles | Week 7 | $5 |
| ZYN Dynasty | Week 10 | $5 |
Playoff Picture Heading Into Week 14
- #1 Seed: The Violent Beauregardes – TVB is locked in at the #1 spot after a memorable 2023 season. Can they repeat as champions or will they see themselves suffer a similar fate to last year’s regular season champion in Free Deshaun.
- #2 Seed/#3 Seed: Sad Dads or The Bitchin’ Batgirls – Sad Dads have the edge with an easier matchup and the extra win but there is still room to play.
- #4 Seed/#5 Seed/#6 Seed: ZYN Dynasty, Nine Inch Males or The Funky Uncles – ZYN Dynasty have the edge for the 4 seed with an extra win and SIGNIFICANT point advantage over NIM and the Funkles. NIM and The Funkles face off in what could very well determine who is the 5 seed. NIM have a substantial point advantage over the Funkles but a matchup win and median win COULD be enough for them to slip into the 5 spot.
Week 14 Preview & Picks
#9 Choking the Belichicken vs. #10 Transgender Cigs
A thrilling matchup of who gives a fuck. The final iteration of what has been a common theme of a season with almost zero parity. I don’t even care to pick this game but the TCs will probably not field a lineup so CTB in a win.
#4 ZYN Dynasty vs. #7 The Portuguese Short Kings
ZYN Dynasty’s hopes of getting the 3 seed have passed them by but they could still slip to the #6 seed. This is a perfect matchup for them. ZYN Dynasty march on to close out the season.
#2 Sad Dads vs. #9 Spicy Boys
A crucial game for the Sad Dads as their Week 13 performance put them in a bit of a murky situation. Luckily the Spicy Boys are in town, and they should be able to handle business. Sad Dads roll into the playoffs with a win and a bye.
CO-GAME OF THE WEEK: #5 Nine Inch Males vs. #6 The Funky Uncles
A massive game with playoff implications. NIM are in desperate need of Justin Jefferson’s return, and he could provide a massive spark for them as they stumble their way into the playoffs. This is one of the tightest matchups on paper, but the Funkles have the favorable matchups. In the end, I think NIM are a slightly better team and should be able to grab the win to secure their 4/5 matchup.
GAME OF THE WEEK: #1 The Violent Beauregardes vs. #3 The Bitchin’ Batgirls
A rematch of Week 5’s SHOOTOUT sees TVB come up against one of only two teams who have knocked them off all season. While the matchup is of very little need for TVB, TBB are still in a position to improve their playoff position. Trey McBride’s bye genuinely makes this matchup increasingly more difficult for TBB, so TVB get their revenge and move on to the playoffs with the best record in the league history.
The 2nd to last regular season blog. While it makes me sad that the league year is almost over, there is still a shit ton of fun still to come. Not to mention, I fucking LOVE the offseason.
Sincerely AND With Love,
Your Beloved Commissioner
AverageFantasyFootballGuy.com 