We are so fucking back boys. That stretch from Thursday to Monday with just non-stop football was absolutely incredible. Everything felt right in the world as our beloved football was back and I honestly forgot about all of the awful things going on in the world like the genocide being committed by Israel in Gaza or how the Epstein list just got kinda brushed under the rug or how they stopped making diet vanilla coke. That one really bothers me. I recently got Pepsi Zero Sugar Cherry & Cream Soda to try and scratch that itch. It worked (for the most part) but the things I would do for a Vanilla DC. Sheesh.
Anyway, as I mentioned last week, I need to re-format these. I have accidentally become important at work and spending 4+ hours writing absolute fucking nonsense just does not fit in my day anymore. I also no longer have free time at night because my wife hands me my son as soon as I walk in the door. SOOO with all that said, moving forward I will be “fully” recapping two matchups from the week. There may or may not be a reason for why I talk about the games that I talk about. For example, maybe there’s a banger matchup between two top teams, I’d probably talk about that. Or maybe Ben’s team continues to piss down their leg, I’ll probably talk about that too. My favorite part about writing these is finding out if Ben read them or not. Typically, 3-4 business days after I publish this, Ben will send a message in the chat. I appreciate Ben reading these, I really do.
You’re Not That Guy, Pal
Everyone loves an underdog story. Everyone loves seeing someone pull themselves up from the pits of hell and come out on top. Everyone loved the Transgender Cigs coming into this year for that reason. Just 3 years ago, they were very clearly the worst team in the league and beyond committed to a youth infusion as they completely gutted their team with their eyes on the future via draft picks. Over the next few years, they have built a strong team through excellent draft choices and some savvy moves. However, they don’t know what it feels like to be in the spotlight. They’ve never even made the fucking playoffs. They’re simply not that guy. On paper, they look sexy. Daniels, Gibbs, Chase, Nabers, MHJ, the list goes on. But those guys don’t have the experience that TPSK had. They don’t have a leader like Jared Goff. TPSK, another bottom feeder whose light at the end of the tunnel grows dimmer each day, just fucking grinded. Their team is putrid, but they showed serious strength in this matchup. I mean they started Tank Bigsby. You cannot lose to a team that starts Tank Bigsby. Where each team goes from here, no one really knows. The TCs will be licking their wounds for a bit while TPSK (oh god I don’t even want to think about this) may have gained some false hope. Look out for TPSK’s unnecessary push to become a playoff team. In reality, the TCs will be fine and should have a good year but their lineup could end up misfiring more often than not this year. Nonetheless, the future is still bright.
Who’s Your Daddy?
This is likely a question that the Sad Dads are asking NIM as they upended the Shield holders in the kick-off cup known as the community shield. The powerhouse Sad Dads made relatively easy work of NIM though Derrick Henry did his best on Monday Night to stun the Dads with an unforeseen comeback. I’m pretty sure at one point he was on pace for like 500 yards rushing but shockingly he did not achieve that. The defending champion Sad Dads got a huge boost in QB play as Justin Herbert may very much be back. The Dads have been in a bit of a QB hellhole the past few years that has somehow worked out for them. Their intense efforts to acquire Jalen Hurts last year did not end up working out but they appear to be fine. I saw some videos of Herbert at practice and he appears to have gained a personality. This could bode really well for him. He doesn’t do the stoic, tough guy shtick well so I like seeing that beautiful smile. He’s also banging Madison Beer which is kinda sick. I expect a big year out of him. The dads got their typical insane 15+ point output from all of their RBs (I guessed that this statement was a fact and unfortunately JT only had 14.25 points). Their WR room is still incredibly suspect but they did just grab Kayshon Boutte who is going to be a massive add to the team. That’s enough about the Sad Dads. NIM had a good week. That’s an objective fact. They did leave some points on their bench though as Breece Hall appears to be fully back. Starting Davante Adams was a bit of a head scratcher and could have made the difference. Oh well. They’ll be fine. They’re just kind of old.
2025 SCS Week 1 Rankings
| Rank | Team | Points | Trend |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Sad Dads | 589.88 | ↔ |
| 2 | The Bitchin’ Batgirls | 529.44 | ↔ |
| 3 | The Violent Beauregardes | 512.00 | ↑3 |
| 4 | Fantasy Football Team | 491.92 | ↑3 |
| 5 | 9 Inch Males | 472.61 | ↓1 |
| 6 | The Portuguese Short Kings | 366.10 | ↑3 |
| 7 | Choking the Belichicken | 353.91 | ↑1 |
| 8 | Transgender Cigarettes | 291.81 | ↓5 |
| 9 | The Funky Uncles | 286.11 | ↓4 |
| 10 | ZYN Dynasty | 163.12 | ↔ |
2025 Week 1 Coaches Poll
| Rank | Team | Avg. Rank | Trend |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Sad Dads (3) | 1.00 | ↔ |
| 2 | The Bitchin’ Batgirls | 2.00 | ↔ |
| 3 | 9 Inch Males | 3.67 | ↑2 |
| 4 | Fantasy Football Team | 4.00 | ↑2 |
| 5 | The Funky Uncles | 5.00 | ↓1 |
| 6 | Transgender Cigarettes | 5.33 | ↓3 |
| 7 | The Violent Beauregardes | 7.00 | ↔ |
| 8 | Choking the Belichicken | 8.00 | ↔ |
| 9 | The Portuguese Short Kings | 9.00 | ↔ |
| 10 | ZYN Dynasty | 10.00 | ↔ |
Week 2 Preview & Picks
Record to Date: 4-1
vs. 
TPSK absolutely stunned the world last week as they took down this year’s darling in the Cigs. Unfortunately, lightning does not strike twice. TBB, a true contender, takes care of what the Cigs could not.
vs. 
Remember when CTB started off the inaugural year on fire? Yeah, me too. It’s been rough fucking sledding since then though their team isn’t even bad. They’re just not good enough. FFT got off to a beautiful start by going 2-0 in their first week. I like CTB in the upset. There I said it.
vs. 
HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA. Sad Dads.
vs.
The Cigs NEED a win after last week’s debacle. However, their matchups are fucking brutal this week and TVB appears to have some life in them. That being said, I do think the run is over and we get the TCs we expected at the start of the season. Cigs get re-lit with a win.
GAME OF THE WEEK
vs. 
NIM appears to be in a bit of conundrum. They have a pretty strong roster from a depth perspective and now they are going to have challenges each week selecting who to play. The Funkles on the other hand are pretty set on who starts. This is a hell of a matchup and both teams have pretty favorable matchups for their current starters. It really could go either way. But it technically can’t go either way. It actually has to go one way. This is not soccer. There are no ties. However, there are ties in the NFL (fucking stupid). And there technically could be a tie in fantasy but it would be almost impossible considering we carry the scores to two decimal places. Oh fuck, my bad. NIM get their lick back.
I like this format. I don’t care if you guys do though. Just know, I am content proceeding this way.
Love,
Your Beloved Commissioner
AverageFantasyFootballGuy.com 