I’m kind of glad that I waited until Wednesday to write this. Tuesday afternoon into the night saw 3 relatively big trades go down with ZYN Dynasty & TVB theoretically throwing in the towel on the 2024 campaign. The balance of power has further shifted into the top teams while a new face (2022’s Runner-Up) has made their way into the potential playoff conversation. Week 5 saw our highest score of the season, our 2nd highest league average thus far & an ending of a potential undefeated season. Let’s dive into the great slate that was Week 5.
Moore Wins Please
TBB continued their title push in Week 5 but handily defeated the Short Kings. Lamar Jackson’s form has been a huge win for TBB so far while DJ Moore’s stellar performance put the nail in the coffin. The decision to start Chase Brown also appeared to be a relatively big win for the team as he may be slowly carving out a lead back role for himself in the Bengals offense. Overall, some big performers helped propel TBB as their stars did not really light it up. They are currently the hottest team in the league having won 5 straight. TPSK got to see what newly acquired CJ Stroud could do for their organization. Aside from Tank Bigsby & Zay Flowers, no one on TPSK really did much. This game was really never close, and I feel that I may be wasting my team if I spend too much time talking about it.
Ashed Cigs
The Trans Cigs coming out party was an incredible scene. It was quite unexpected, but they once again fell flat on their face this week. I think this is going to be the theme for them throughout the year. They very clearly have the firepower to fucking smoke people. However, they also have the ability to lay an absolute egg and this week they did just that. An injury to Nico Collins was debilitating as he looked like he was on pace to drop 60 points. It appears that the injury is not overly serious, [he’s on IR] but hamstrings tend to linger! On the other hand, the Spicy Boys got a much-needed result and have signaled to the rest of the league that they would like to join the party. They’re maybe the weirdest fucking team in the league but they can always put up a fight at any given moment (respect them as they are the defending ZYN Cup Champions). They also signaled to the rest of the league that they will be competing for a playoff spot this season.
Violet’s *Accidental* Revenge Tour
TVB won his week and then offloaded their best player, so my headline is kind of confusing now and doesn’t quite make sense. This was a pretty boring matchup between two teams who are trying to lose out at this point. TVB got some great output from Kareem Hunt and Rico Dowdle while ZYN Dynasty’s Jamarr Chase had another insane performance. IDK this game sucked. Who cares. They don’t!
They’re Kinda ARE Funkin’ Good
The Funkles turned on the jets in Week 5 as they absolutely annihilated CTB and put up a league-season high point total. Joey B’s explosion plus Drake London’s huge night on Thursday made this an extremely comfortable result for the Funkles. Swift’s recent resurgence has been a huge positive for the Funkles as well. However, concern has to be growing when it comes to Achane. He continues to be very injury prone, limited what he can truly provide on a week-to-week basis. They strengthened their team further in the form of AJB which should help them a ton moving forward. They are clearly very good. CTB continues to be a decent team who just doesn’t seem to get it done. They had a pretty solid week but once again feel to a greater power. Mahomes has been a MASSIVE disappointment for them.
And Down Goes Frazier
The league’s final unbeaten team went down in Week 5 thanks to some PISS poor roster management. Assuming they were going to be comfortable and not wanting the game to come down to Purdy vs. Aiyuk, they made a grave mistake by slotting in Wicks over Aiyuk. Wicks proceeded to put up a measly 3.5 points while Aiyuk had his best game all year. It’s a small blip on a great resume up to this point. Obviously, they will be disappointed, but it won’t affect them much. Sad Dads pushed through despite missing a key performer in Saquon Barkley. They continue to be incredibly consistent and will welcome Garrett Wilson’s much needed outing on Sunday AM.
SCS Week 5 Rankings
| Rank | Team | Points |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | 9 Inch Males | 2869.50 |
| 2 | Sad Dads | 2473.07 |
| 3 | The Bitchin’ Batgirls | 2237.96 |
| 4 | The Funky Uncles | 2198.13 |
| 5 | Transgender Cigs | 2036.77 |
| 6 | The Violent Beauregardes | 1608.07 |
| 7 | Choking the Belichicken | 1538.55 |
| 8 | Spicy Boys | 1472.48 |
| 9 | The Portuguese Short Kings | 1411.30 |
| 10 | ZYN Dynasty | 1354.56 |
Coaches Poll Week 5 Rankings
| Rank | Team | Avg. Rank |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | 9 Inch Males (4) | 1.40 |
| 2 | Sad Dads (1) | 1.80 |
| 3 | The Bitchin’ Batgirls | 3.00 |
| 4 | The Funky Uncles | 4.40 |
| 5 | Transgender Cigs | 4.80 |
| 6 | The Violent Beauregardes | 6.60 |
| 7 | Spicy Boys | 6.80 |
| 8 | Choking the Belichicken | 8.00 |
| 9 | The Portuguese Short Kings | 8.80 |
| 10 | ZYN Dynasty | 9.40 |
The 2024 Zyn Cup – Round 1 Draw
The illustrious ZYN CUP IS FUCKING BACK [in one week, not this week. I just got excited and wanted to announce the draw early]! I am sad to announce that I no longer use ZYN which makes me very sad, but I am still jacked up for the cup!
The draw video(s) can be sent into the chat [if you don’t’ believe me] and is not imbedded here because I don’t feel like sending them to myself, editing them and then placing them here. The draw occurred as follows:
- POT 1 Teams [TPSK, TCs, CTB, Spicy Boys] play Round 1 (Week 7) against one another. Matchups were determined by random finish with 1st finisher facing off against 4th and 2nd facing off against 3rd. They are the only teams playing Week 7.
- POT 2 Teams [TBB, Sad Dads, Funkles, ZYN Dynasty] play Round 2 (Week 8) against one another. Matchups were determined in the same fashion as POT 1 teams.
- POT 3 Teams [NIM, TVB] play Round 2 (Week 8) against the winners of the Round 1 (Week 7) POT 1 games. Matchup was determined by random finish with 1st finisher facing off against the winner of matchup A in Round 1.
Reminder: Semi-Finals are not dictated by the bracket. Random draw with all 4 teams will take place after Week 8 games.
Bracket is below. If you don’t get it, you’re fucking dumb.
Stats & Info
Loser List as of Week 5
| TEAM | WEEKS THEY WERE A LOSER | LEAGUE FUND MONEY |
|---|---|---|
| Funkles | Week 1 | $5 |
| The Violent Beauregardes | Week 2, Week 3 | $10 |
| ZYN Dynasty | Week 4 | $5 |
| Trans Cigs | Week 5 | $5 |
Week 6 Preview & Picks
vs. 
ZYN Dynasty has completely given up on the season so TBB should kill themself if they can’t win. TBB should be able to make this a bloodbath.
vs. 
Trans Cigs need a bounce back game and this is a perfect opportunity. Trans Cigs get back to winning ways. FUCK THAT. SPICY BOYS WIN BABY.
vs. 
This game would have fucking rocked in the beginning of the season preview but after TVB’s questionable decision to end their season, it will likely lack competitiveness. Sad Dads roll.
vs.
This probably should have been the first matchup I started with cause this shit is straight up mean. NIM continue their ascent.
GAME OF THE WEEK
vs.
Easily the best game of the week and a place the Spicy Boys love to be. They’re back in the fold and looking to make a splash. This is going to be a tough one though as the Funkles have been one of the more impressive sides so far this year. Funkles in a nailbiter.
Signing off,
Your Beloved Commissioner
AverageFantasyFootballGuy.com 