The Weekly Report – Week 0 & Week 1 Preview

So much has happened since we last spoke! Trump got shot. The Costco Guys. Sketch. ND being a powerhouse. United still being shit. Ry bought a house.

I am so happy to be back and writing to you sweet little boys. We’re going to have a very demure, very cutesy season. I have also decided to make a huge addition to the blogs this year. Introducing… THE BOOM OR DOOM! OF THE WEEK. What does that mean? I have no fucking idea. I guess we will all find out next week!

Before we get into the upcoming season, below is the all-time rankings in the league…

2024-2025 Rankings Galore – Preseason Edition

2024-2025 Commissioner’s Preseason Rankings

1. The Bitchin’ Batgirls – 23′-24′ Finish: 5th Place (1st Round Exit)
   • TBB had set their expectations incredibly high coming into the 2023 and let down their fans in stunning fashion. The choke job and the way they ended their 2023 seasons was something that many in the community believed would end the franchise as a whole. However, their offseason has proven to be the exact opposite. They have completely gone for broke, making moves for JJeff AND Christian McCaffrey. They are bolstering without a doubt the best WR group in the league and have a superstar tailback leading the way. While their depth has taken a hit, their Starpower is above and beyond anyone else in the league. Coach DeAngelis may be on the hotseat if this season ends without some silverware.
2. 9 Inch Males – 23′-24′ Finish: Champion
   • NIM made some unlikely moves in the offseason that saw them dump their best player. However, they were able to get back some serious talent in moving on from JJeff and have a significantly better team than they expected. 2nd Year QB CJ Stroud will be looking to build on what was an incredible rookie campaign while Breece Hall will look to continue his insanely hot end to the 2023-2024 campaign. Their starting lineup is a bit RB heavy at the moment, but they have some potential breakout pass catchers sitting on the bench. Can they go back-to-back?
3. Sad Dads – 23′-24′ Finish: 3rd Place (Semi-Final Exit)
   • Sad Dads had an incredible 2023-2024 campaign finishing only 1 game behind TVB‘s borderline record-breaking season. Unfortunately for them, they were stunned by eventual champions NIM in the semi-finals, sending them home packing on their 1st attempt for the 2nd year in a row. An uncharacteristically quiet offseason sees them bolster a strong starting lineup with a very suspect bench, specifically at the WR position. They still have significant draft capital so it would not be shocking to seem them make a few moves during the season to further bolster their lineup. Will this be the year they finally get a coveted playoff win?
4. The Violent Beauregardes – 23′-24′ Finish: 2nd Place (Finalist)
   • TVB followed up their title winning campaign with a 2nd place finish. After steamrolling through the regular season, they began to falter a bit towards the homestretch. Diggs was not nearly as explosive and TVB saw the writing on the wall as they headed towards the playoffs. They snuck by in the semi-finals and then put up a valiant effort in the final but ultimately fell short. Their campaign did end with multiple pieces of silverware as they grabbed the Community Shield, Top Regular Season Scorer, and the Commissioner’s Cup. They made some big changes in the offseason offloading some aging WRs so they 24′-25′ season may be a bit of a transition year. However, the firepower is still very much there to make a playoff push.
5. The Funky Uncles – 23′-24′ Finish: 4th Place (Semi-Final Exit)
   • The Funkles chose to make a huge gamble this offseason by trading away CMC but have added some solid pieces in the process. There is honestly an argument to be made that they deserve to be a little higher up the board but we will have to wait and see. A lot of their hopes hinge on the ability of breakout stars Kyren Williams & Devon Achane being able to recapture their form from last season. A strong year from Burrow would be extremely helpful and Waddle’s ability to stay on the field will be VITAL. They are one of two teams who have been in the semi-finals both years. Will this be the year they get over the hump and get into their first final?
6. The Portuguese Short Kings – 23′-24′ Finish: 8th Place
   • TPSK come into the season with a pretty solid, young team. They are extremely thin at RB but have a solid young WR group, a stud young TE and two very good QB options (one obviously elite level). Their biggest hurdle will be relying on those young WRs and having to deal with any type of injury to their RBs. Getting some depth in that area will be their key to success but they may be a strong sleeper contender this season.
7. Choking the Belichicken – 23′-24′ Finish: 7th Place
   • They have spiraled into mediocrity after their insane start in the inaugural season. What happened? This offseason saw them upgrade at QB and add to their thin RB group. Their WR room is still very solid and has a very good mix of young and veteran presence.
8. ZYN Dynasty – 23′-24′ Finish: 6th Place
   • On paper, their team is really not that bad. However, their RB room is downright disgusting. They have 3 starting RBs in their lineup right now who quite literally may not even be their team’s starters come week 5. Their WR group is solid, and Josh Allen & Kelce will always keep you in it, but this aging roster will likely struggle to do much this year.
9. Spicy Boys – 23′-24′ Finish: 9th Place
   • The Spicy Boys are really good guys. They did win a trophy last year and have a better team on paper than i thought they would. Their QBs are solid but that won’t help much in a 1QB league. They absolutely have potential for the future and have two guys who got shot on their team which is cool!
10. Transgender Cigs – 23′-24′ Finish: 10th Place
    • A few coaches are hot on the TCs, but I just don’t see it quite yet. An absurdly young roster (and one for the future) but their RB group aside from Gibbs is SO weak. They will likely tank again this year.

2024-2025 SCS Preseason Rankings

Rank	Team	Points	Trend
1	The Bitchin’ Batgirls	N/A	↔
2	Sad Dads	N/A	↔
3	Transgender Cigarettes	N/A	↔
4	The Violent Beauregardes	N/A	↔
5	9 Inch Males	N/A	↔
6	Choking the Belichicken	N/A	↔
7	The Funky Uncles	N/A	↔
8	The Portuguese Short Kings	N/A	↔
9	ZYN Dynasty	N/A	↔
10	Spicy Boys	N/A	↔

2024-2025 Coaches Poll Preseason Rankings

Rank	Team	Avg. Rank	Trend
1	The Bitchin’ Batgirls (4)	1.00	↔
2	Sad Dads	2.75	↔
3	9 Inch Males	2.75	↔
4	The Violent Beauregardes	3.75	↔
5	The Portuguese Short Kings	6.25	↔
6	The Funky Uncles	6.75	↔
7	ZYN Dynasty	7.00	↔
8	Transgender Cigs	7.75	↔
9	Choking the Belichicken	8.25	↔
10	Spicy Boys	8.75	↔

Week 1 Preview & Picks

vs.

A brutal start to the campaign for the TCs who take on one of the strongest teams in the league. Miracles can happen but I don’t see this one happening. TBB dismantle the Cigs.

vs.

It will take a stunner for CTB to start out the campaign with a win. No stunners here though. Sad Dads become glad dads to start the season.

vs.

An extremely tight one on paper but I like the Funkles match-ups better. Funkles roll.

GAME OF THE WEEK

vs.

An insanely good matchup to kick off week 1. TPSK has been making good progress as an organization and guess what? I fucking love their Week 1 match-ups. TPSK get on the board early.

COMMUNITY SHIELD

vs.

Back-to-back community shield appearances for the SBs after they captured the ZYN Cup. Anything is possible BUT there are a lot of things that are impossible. This is one of them, NIM in a fucking bloodbath.

It’s a basic one. I’m trying to get work done. I’m sorry. They’ll get better I promise.

Signing off for the FIRST TIME this season,

Your Beloved Commissioner