I kind of lost my juice. After having a long stretch of great results, I have finally tasted defeat and it tastes just like a Miller Lite. And Miller Lite is fucking awful. Due to this loss, I have been sad and down and even contemplated throwing the towel in on the season. However, my duty as the commissioner of this great league is still very much in full swing and for that I need to deliver. I have recently been putting too much effort into fucking tables and not providing sufficient recaps. While I know most of you could care less about what I say in these blogs, there are many supporters who do care. So, I am going to give this blog my all and ensure that it meets my standards. We’re going back to the old days when I used to just riff and rip off very long, often incoherent tangents about the matchups. Let’s fucking get back into it you little dumb bitches.
Week 9 Recap
Someone Had to Win This One – Part II
A thrilling Week 9 matchup as the lowly CTB took on the lowly-er Spicy Boys. Both of these teams have made it abundantly clear that they simply do not want to win any more games this year and boy it fucking showed. Unfortunately for these two sides, someone just had to win. Luckily for the Spicy Boys, it was once again their time to shine as they improved their record to 2-16 with a resounding 0-9 in matchup play. There is tanking and then there is TANKING. The Spicy Boys are fucking TANKING. And to be honest with you, it’s not even really intentional. They are just flat out fucking bad. They were able to get some decent production from their top two RBs but aside from that, they put in a real clunker. This was also the first week that they didn’t roll out their signature two-TE look. Devastating for Tight End Heads around the world. CTB on the other hand got some serious production from their RB1 in Josh Jacobs. He was not incredibly efficient from a YPC standpoint, but he was able to get two touchdowns to secure a solid week as RB3 in Week 9. Writing about two teams who don’t even want to win is very odd. Is anyone even really happy about this result? I highly doubt it. The one positive that CTB can take away from this game is that they were able to avoid a median win which is a positive sign as they march towards the coveted #1 pick.
Did Anyone Want to Win This One?
While this matchup was never going to be sexy on paper due to the TCs involvement, I don’t think anyone expected the Sad Dads to perform the way they did. Bijan’s usage continues to be an extremely underrated storyline as he once again underperformed. Sad Dads shockingly only had 1 player score 20+ points and it was JT who had a pretty inefficient day capped by some receptions and a touchdown. The receiving corp did not do much either as George Pickens’ atrocious body control cost him some serious points. 2 catches for -1 yard is objectively a bad stat line. But the real story for this matchup was Justin Herbert’s minimal involvement in the Chargers’ Monday night win. He has been solid this year just not the guy many people expected. While he has 3 Top 5 weeks, he also has 2 weeks below the Top 20. Herbert’s weak performance on Monday cost the Sad Dads both a median win and a Zyn Cup result. They were missing Etienne in all fairness so everything will be okay but boy, grinding out a win against a team starting strictly back-up RBs is not a good look. TCs got another vital result as they dropped another game and put in their fourth ‘Loser of the Week’ performance running their tab up to $20 on the year. Getting this money from Garvey should be thrilling. They decided to trot out the Two-TE look and shockingly, it almost fucked them as Musgrave was the team’s second leading scorer. They will look forward to next week when they once again try and lose as many games as possible.
Cooper > Kupp
NIM made a big splash in the midst of Thursday Night Football this week as they once again traded away a big-name player shortly after acquiring them. And I am referencing Emari Demercado. You probably all thought I was referring to CMC but no, they traded away Demercado but lucky for them, they were still able to make it through the week with a huge 6 points. NIM desperately needed a get back game and thankfully for them, they were able to secure it. The running game once again lead the way behind Derrick Henry’s solid output on TNF. Mahomes was also able to string together a serviceable game which has to come as a huge sigh of relief to the males. However, there is growing concern within the locker room that Cooper Kupp may no longer be what he once was. Without Stafford, Kupp has not looked like himself and is no longer the number 1 Cooper in the NIM organization. Amari Cooper put in an exceptional performance on Sunday and the reintroduction of sex offender Deshaun Watson saw a massive boost for Cooper’s stock. Insane that he became a Nine Inch Male by only giving up a third and the most useless RB in the NFL. TPSK will obviously be distraught as they got a median win. The one positive for TPSK is that they don’t own their own first so winning games isn’t as big of an issue as it is for the other bottom of the table teams. Jalen Hurts continues to produce, and the young guns have really given TPSK some hope for the future.
Violence Ensues
Shocker. Fucking massive shocker occurred this week as TVB dismantled ZYN Dynasty. There is no team more boring than this fucking TVB team. It’s like watching Man City on a Saturday morning just ping it around Sheffield United for 90 minutes and causally score 5 goals for fun. There was a point on Sunday where Pat really thought he wasn’t going to win lmao. Are you fucking serious? You can’t just fake create drama. There is no drama in the TVB camp. Every week is the same thing. They get a little nervous cause their early production isn’t there and then one of their four Top 10 WRs come to play, and the nerves are gone. Christ, fucking Dalton Schultz put up 26 God damn points. They are simply so much better than everyone else by literally every metric. They are what Ben thought his team was last year. Just absolutely unplayable at the moment. Davante Adams has completely faded into oblivion and it STILL doesn’t even matter. ZYN Dynasty can’t be too upset as they were severely outmatched. However, they really were only missing Deebo which I think is a sign of a bigger issue. They are not that good, and Chase is not good enough to carry the load. If Allen, Kelce & Chase can’t combine for 90+ points, they more than likely can’t get it done and this week, Kelce’s clunker put them in a hole that they just could not climb out of.
Are You Funkin’ Kidding Me?
TBB‘s run came to a crashing end this weekend and they were beaten comfortably by The Funkles. Joe Burrow continues to produce but the stars of the show this week were the dual TE threat of Jake Ferguson and Cole Kmet. Yes, you heard that right. The team’s highest non-QB scorers were fucking tight ends. What are the chances? It’s a huge result for the Funkles as they now take sole possession of third place and will hopefully get back their star RB in Achane by Week 11. CMC will also be making his first appearance in a Funkles kit coming up this week. I know you’re all waiting for it so I’ll just rip the band aid off. That trade was shambolic. Absolutely shambolic. Just insane valuation of players and I am still a bit stunned by it all. However, it worked this week but none of the players involved even played aside from Kamara. Just crazy fucking stuff. TBB got killed by Lamar’s below-average output and Seattle’s sheer inability to generate anything on offense. Josh Downs’ injury is a damn shame as he was just elevated to the senior team. TBB still have more than enough to make a playoff run but their RB’s team situations absolutely fucking suck and it is killing them. Plus, DJ Moore is just getting killed by Tyson Bagent.
2023-2024 Post-Week 9 Power Rankings
- The Violent Beauregardes (16-2) [-]: Absolutely no comment on this.
- Sad Dads (15-3) [-]: A comment is worthy but yeah. Wagon Jr.
- ZYN Dynasty (10-8) [UP 1]: A good week sees them gather a median win and a Zyn Cup result. However, another matchup loss goes in the books. It was always going to be an uphill battle against TVB.
- The Funky Uncles (12-6) [UP 1]: The Funkles catapulted themselves right back into the conversation with a very good Week 9 behind some lesser-known players. Two TE strategy paid massive dividends as well. Impressive.
- Nine Inch Males (11-7) [UP 1]: A league shattering trade made it appear that they wouldn’t be able to compete much until Jefferson was back but they took care of business against the lowly TPSK.
- The Bitchin Batgirls (11-7) [DN 3]: A crushing end to an unprecedented run saw the Batgirls get eviscerated with a 3-loss week. Lamar’s ability to win games but not produce is definitely a cause for concern.
2023-2024 Post-Week 9 Sour Rankings
- The Portuguese Short Kings (4-14) [-]: A median win sees TPSK stay atop the coveted Sour Rankings.
- Choking the Belichicken (5-13) [UP 1]: A win against the worst team in the league is not impressive and the rankings are not moved much by it.
- Transgender Cigs (4-14) [DN 1]: Trans Cigs continue to tank as hard as they can but the guys below them are just fucking better at it.
- Spicy Boys (2-16) [-]: Just here for a good time!
The 2023 Zyn Cup – QF Recap & Semi-Final Draw
QUARTERFINAL RECAP
The Bitchin’ Batgirls vs. ZYN Dynasty: TBB storybook run came to an end as they met their maker in ZYN Dynasty. It’s very hard to knock off an opponent two weeks in a row and that proved to be very true in this. ZYN Dynasty moves on to the Semis.
The Funky Uncles vs. Sad Dads: The Funkles head scratching trade didn’t pay off much in this matchup, but they defeat their older brother and send the Sad Dads back to the therapist. Funkles march on to the Semi-Finals.
SEMI-FINAL DRAW – Winners move onto the Inaugural ZYN Cup Final
Draw is available below. And it features a VERY special guest announcer of the draw!
SCS (SuperLeague Championship Series) Rankings & Coaches’ Poll
| Rank | Team | Points | Trend |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | The Violent Beauregardes | 113 | ↔ |
| 2 | Sad Dads | 107 | ↔ |
| 3 | ZYN Dynasty | 101 | ↑2 |
| 4 | Nine Inch Males | 100 | ↔ |
| 5 | The Bitchin’ Batgirls | 99 | ↓2 |
| 6 | The Funky Uncles | 95 | ↔ |
| 7 | Choking the Belichicken | 82 | ↔ |
| 8 | The Portuguese Short Kings | 80 | ↔ |
| 9 | Spicy Boys | 79 | ↔ |
| 10 | Transgender Cigarettes | 75 | ↔ |
The Coaches for this week are:
- Michael Garvey – Trans Cigs President & Governor
- Jake McKinstry – Funkles President & Governor
- Ryan Dasch – NIM President & Governor
- Pat Shetzline – TVB President & Governor
| Rank | Team | Avg. Rank | Trend |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | The Violent Beauregardes (2) | 1.50 | ↔ |
| 2 | Sad Dads | 3.25 | ↔ |
| 3 | The Funky Uncles | 4.00 | ↑1 |
| 4 | The Bitchin’ Batgirls | 4.25 | ↓1 |
| 5 | Nine Inch Males | 4.75 | ↑2 |
| 6 | Transgender Cigarettes (2) | 5.25 | ↑2 |
| 7 | ZYN Dynasty | 6.50 | ↓2 |
| 8 | The Portuguese Short Kings | 7.75 | ↓2 |
| 9 | Choking the Belichicken | 8.00 | ↔ |
| 10 | Spicy Boys | 9.75 | ↔ |
Stats & Info as of Week 9
RUNNING BACK TOTAL POINTS AS OF WEEK 9
| RANK | TEAM | POINTS |
| 1 | Sad Dads | 640.55 |
| 2 | Nine Inch Males | 538.48 |
| 3 | The Funky Uncles | 517.15 |
WIDE RECEIVER TOTAL POINTS AS OF WEEK 9
| RANK | TEAM | POINTS |
| 1 | The Violent Beauregardes | 870.20 |
| 2 | The Bitchin’ Batgirls | 486.70 |
| 3 | Nine Inch Males | 481.31 |
TIGHT END TOTAL POINTS AS OF WEEK 9
| RANK | TEAM | POINTS |
| 1 | Spicy Boys | 163.10 |
| 2 | ZYN Dynasty | 147.30 |
| 3 | Sad Dads | 129.70 |
LOSER LIST AS OF WEEK 9
| TEAM | WEEKS THEY WERE A LOSER | LEAGUE FUND MONEY |
| Trans Cigs | Week 1, Week 5, Week 6, Week 9 | $20 |
| NIM | Week 4, Week 8 | $10 |
| TPSK | Week 2 | $5 |
| Spicy Boys | Week 3 | $5 |
| Funkles | Week 7 | $5 |
Week 10 Preview & Picks
#9 Trans Cigs vs. #7 The Portuguese Short Kings
A battle of who wants to win less AGAIN! Both teams do not want to win but TCs want to win less. TPSK get the dub.
#1 The Violent Beauregardes vs. #10 Spicy Boys
TVB could have their entire team on a bye and I wouldn’t care. TVB in a rout per usual.
#6 The Bitchin’ Batgirls vs. #8 Choking the Belichicken
TBB need a get back game and luckily their entire team is back from the bye. TBB should be able to handle their business and get back in the win column.
#5 Nine Inch Males vs. #4 ZYN Dynasty
An awesome playoff preview matchup. NIM are aggressive and already have slotted Jefferson into the lineup even though he’s definitely not playing. However, no Kelce, no party. NIM nab another big result.
GAME OF THE WEEK: #2 Sad Dads vs. #3 The Funky Uncles
After getting knocked out in the ZYN Cup by the Funkles, the Sad Dads will look to get back on track and grab an all-important league result against their longtime foes. Sad Dads do not have many people affected by the bye while the Funkles are going to be able to see their new acquisitions in a Funkles Kit for the first time. Sad Dads get back on track.
Fuck you guys. No one appreciates me.
Sincerely AND With Love,
Your Beloved Commissioner
AverageFantasyFootballGuy.com 