The Weekly Report – Week 5

I’ve found that copying last week’s blog is a lot easier to keep the format consistent. However, I already knew that I fucked up a bunch of spellings last week but what I did not realize is how many times I fucked up what week it was. I did post-week 3 power rankings & week 4 preview. Just a fucking absolute disaster. The bone cancer clearly has fogged my brain a bit. That being said, this was another banger of a week with some pretty tight matchups. There were some scoring explosions as well as some typical dog shit performances around the Super League. Let’s see what the fuck was good this past week.

Week 5 Recap

The Poopstick River Rivalry

A battle of bad teams saw CTB take on the lowly Trans Cigs. Coming off one of their most incredible performances in franchise history, the TCs followed it up with an absolute stinker. Gabe Davis & Kyle Pitts lead the way and that is simply a statement you never want to hear as a fantasy football manager. They’re very clearly tanking so the loss will not upset them but Anthony Richardson’s third injury this season has to be of some concern. On the other hand, CTB put in a fucking shift snatching a double win even after trading away CMC. I’m not sure they will be too happy about this result as it was off the backs of some serious overperformers. I highly doubt George Kittle can sustain 3 catches for 3 TDs. I have nothing left to touch on regarding this matchup. It was fucking boring.

Winner, Winner, Give Me a Zynner

ZYN Dynasty put on an absolute clinic in Week 5 behind some stellar performances, specifically Jamaar Chase’s coming back to life party. I will continue to die on the hill that their RBs are so fucking bad but if Chase can score 52 fantasy points every week, then maybe I will be proven wrong. Look at the end of the day, I think ZYN Dynasty is a really solid team, but they are legitimately 1 injury away from the franchise folding. They gave up their first born and some to get Chase and Chase is simply not that guy. He has these weeks where he explodes and all the twitter fantasy gurus get all horny for him and put him in the same tier as JJeff. It’s fucking nonsense. They’re not even in the same league in my opinion. And I definitely would not mortgage my entire future for him when my team is aging. But hey, who am I? Anyway, honestly solid week from TPSK after moving some key pieces. Newcomers Jordan Addison & Joe Mixon put in solid performances and Jalen Hurts continues to cook. Shockingly, AJ Dillon actually fucking did something which is awesome for him because I’ve been waiting for this to happen for about 3 years. The tough pill to swallow here might be that Dalton Kincaid was never the TE1 in this rookie class but that’s not their fault considering we were all told he was.

Dad, I’m Sad & Rite Aid Is Out Of My Antidepressants

Fucking snooze fest and the only week 5 matchup to have no median winners. Sad Dads were left in a tough spot having to start Notorious Milf Man Zach Wilson while the Spicy Boys opted to start Jordan Love. The league is looking into this as starting Jordan Love intentionally feels like a clear sign of tanking. Further updates will be provided. Sad Dads got some great production from Etienne, and I imagine JT will get more work as the season rolls on. They have a very good RB room, but the shocker of the week has to be George Pickens’ current hot streak. Pickens was extremely happy with TBB, but he appears to have found his stride with the Sad Dads. Sometimes all you really need is a healthy dose of Zoloft to get you on track.

Holy Funk It Happened Again

YIKES. Now that word could describe multiple facets of this matchup. For starters, NIM have no been upset two weeks in a row and have slipped dramatically. The introduction of CMC seemed like it would really boost their title chances, but he was not able to get it done on the day. Injuries to Herbert & James Conner also further muddy the waters. However, Kupp’s return surely keeps them calm as the rest of the world collapses around them. Also, Adam Thielen… what the fuck man? You couldn’t fucking do this last year? You fucking piece of shit. In another news, The Funkles pulled off another big week and sit at 7-3. They have been upset with the algorithm not giving them the “credit they deserve”. Well, what if I told you that the algorithm knew that JJeff & Achane would go on IR after week 5? You’d probably call me a liar and you’re fucking right. Those injuries are a massive fucking blow, and they simply don’t have the depth to fill the void they will leave behind. Obviously, the hope is that these are short IR stints but murmurs around the league point to the Vikings potentially being VERY cautious of JJeff.

Moore Cough Syrup & Halls Please

I am sick again and I am not really sure how. I believe the bone cancer is completely gone but at this point I may just have AIDs. My immune system is trash. Luckily, I have Moore Halls to keep me at bay. Does that joke suck? Fucking right. Did I laugh at it? I did not. It’s just not funny. TBB got a massive Thursday night dopamine boost in the form of Justin Fields and DJ Moore’s 92-point explosion. I’ve been a big DJ Moore guy for a while, but I was starting to hop off the train. Luckily, this puts me right back on. This was by far the game of the week, and it was an absolute shootout. Breece Hall has finally been let off his leash and boy watch out. TBB was missing ArSB & Tee Higgins (Ry thinks he sucks; I think Ry sucks) and unfortunately had to start Miles Sanders who somehow got me to think he was good even though I have fucking hated him his entire career because he sucks dick and can’t get a single yard after contact. TVB put in a hell of a performance and were truthfully unlucky to end their undefeated start. They are going to be more than fine as LaPorta continues to produce like a Top 3 TE and Puka being able to produce with Kupp’s return was a huge positive. TBB‘s start on Thursday was always going to be a massive hill to climb but TVB almost did it and boy you would not have wanted to see me on Tuesday if that happened.

2023-2024 Post-Week 5 Power Rankings

1. The Violent Beauregardes (9-1) [-]: They are very clearly the best team in the league as they continue to produce every single week. They’re undefeated against the median. WAGON.
2. Sad Dads (8-2) [-]: They got the win but not in convincing fashion. Is the rest of the league catching up?
3. Nine Inch Males (6-4) [-]: High expectations have seemed to cripple them a bit. Have we given them too much praise?
4. The Bitchin Batgirls (5-5) [-]: TBB finally got it done and secured the 2-0 week. Obviously, Moore can’t sustain that production, but they were without their WR1 and WR4. See ya Miles Sanders.
5. ZYN Dynasty (5-5) [-]: Jamaar Chase and Josh Allen continue to be the driving force for this team. They’re good just not great.
6. The Funky Uncles (7-3) [-]: Injuries. Injuries. Injuries. They should be higher, but the algorithm said no.
7. Choking the Belichicken (4-6) [-]: They know they don’t want to make the playoffs, but they did get a median win so maybe they make a push to get back in the conversation? Shoulda traded one of those QBs when you had the chance!
8. The Portuguese Short Kings (2-8) [-]: They’re working very hard and that’s all that matters.
9. Spicy Boys (2-8) [-]: They’re working very hard and that’s all that matters.
10. Transgender Cigs (2-8) [-]: They’re working very hard and that’s all that matters.

NOTE: I know the peanut gallery will have commentary on the fact that there was no movement this week in the rankings. Though the Funkles are 7-3, injuries to JJeff & Achane spell some serious trouble in my opinion & ZYN Dynasty will never crack my top 4 until they prove to the league that they’re consistent.

2023 Garvey Tracker

The Garvey Tracker has completely fallen off because Garvey all of a sudden has matured and has attended work every fucking day after an Eagles’ Game. Fucking dickhead.

Stats & Info as of Week 5

League-Wide Season Average
136.40
Regular Season Top Scores
1	The Violent Beauregardes	202.11
2	The Bitchin’ Batgirls	196.53
3	Nine Inch Males	192.89
4	ZYN Dynasty	191.17
5	ZYN Dynasty	187.21
6	Sad Dads	176.95
7	The Violent Beauregardes	176.94
8	The Violent Beauregardes	173.42
9	The Violent Beauregardes	169.02
10	Nine Inch Males	163.75

Weekly Loser List Update
Transgender Cigarettes	Week 1, Week 5	$10
The Portuguese Short Kings	Week 2	$5
Spicy Boys	Week 3	$5
Nine Inch Males	Week 4	$5

Week 6 Preview & Picks

#7 Choking the Belichicken vs. #3 Nine Inch Males

NIM desperately need a result here as another upset could see their season put in a very eerie situation. Based on the soft matchups, NIM get back on track.

#10 Transgender Cigs vs. #5 ZYN Dynasty

Trans Cigs are just happy to be here and be able to field a starting lineup. Overachievers get another win against a team who simply wants to lose as much as possible.

#4 The Bitchin’ Batgirls vs. #9 Spicy Boys

TBB vs. Spicy Boys. TBB are known for being huge fans of the boys but unfortunately, they will have to hand them another loss. TBB have arrived.

#8 The Portuguese Short Kings vs. #6 The Funky Uncles

The injuries to the Funkles make this matchup a lot more interesting than originally expected. I think this is a really tight one, but Funkles get the win.

GAME OF THE WEEK: #1 The Violent Beauregardes vs. #2 Sad Dads

A rivalry like no other. Brother-in-law brawl. Both teams are fielding very strong lineups with little to no byes affecting them. Some teams around the league think the Sad Dads have been overhyped. A league executive went as far to say “His Teams falling off”. With all that being said, I think that matchups heavily favor TVB even with their ongoing QB carousel. TVB takes one for the Shetzlines in a nailbiter that could come down to Herbert vs. Ekeler on Monday Night.

I have been severely lacking with getting these out on time. I continue to get sick which really sucks and is ruining these blogs. I also didn’t have my medication earlier this week and I am fucking USELESS without that shit. Anyway, the league is flowing well. Trades have been as even as ever, and I continue to obsess over this league. Next week is fucking EXCITING because… *Cue the music*… THE ZYN CUP BEGINS. I love you all. This league gives me a serious rush of dopamine. Time to add gifs.

Sincerely AND With Love,

Your Beloved Commissioner