Waited a while to get this going. We’re fucking back baby. As you all know, last week I was out with what I thought was bone cancer. I was so high and sick that I got so deep in the WebMD rabbit hole that I truly convinced myself I had bone cancer. With that being said, I am proud to announce that I have not only beaten bone cancer, but I have also beaten the flu. My mental health battle is still on-going, but my current medication has kept me at bay. I recently moved across from a school and I have been VERY well-behaved (this is an inside joke that only my dearest friends would understand). Since we last spoke, I have done the following:
- Got too drunk the night before a wedding and overshared about my relationship struggles when I was younger (mental health)
- Beaten the Flu AND Bone Cancer
- Had MULTIPLE EddieDays in a row – (Note: EddieDays are when I get to live as a bachelor and do manly shit – For example on Saturday I ate about 3000 calories worth of Dominos and then ordered a milkshake at 11pm. I also golfed on Monday during work – SUCK IT DAD! Went to two concerts in a row as well (my body is broken, and I honestly feel sick again… bone cancer???)
- Traded for ARSB and signaled to the league that the Batgirls are not only Bitchin’ but they are fucking back
Enough about my personal life and my violently poor mental health, let’s talk fucking ball because the Super League BROUGHT it this week with these matchups.
Week 4 Recap
Violet’s Vivacious Violence (Strikes Again)
I have admittedly overlooked TVB this season and man I was so fucking wrong. Every now and then in life we just have to put our hand up and say, “Hey I was right, but I am wrong” and this is one of those moments for me. Despite a shaky RB room on paper & less than ideal QB situation, their WR room is just a scary group of individuals. TVB currently houses 6 of the Top 10 WR on the year and one of those players is in their Youth Academy (I will no longer refer to taxi as taxi, it’s called the fucking youth academy… deal with it.) I also just noticed that Puka has been signed to his first professional contract with TVB. Congratulations to him and I hope this doesn’t blow up in their face. They were able to handily dismantle CTB who had the individual top scorer of the week in CMC. When you have two WR going over 36 pts, you know it is going to be a good day. This was a less than exciting matchup, but TVB continue to reign terror on the league as they keep their perfect record alive and well.
Stop Bitchin’, Bitch
TBB pulled off a fucking miracle on Monday night behind Kenneth Walker’s 17 carries. Previous blogs (written by others) scoffed at the carry rule but to be honest I think it is a great stat and we should maybe even beef it up! TPSK fought their fucking hearts out, but it was just not meant to be. AJ Dillon continues his streak of being the worst fucking RB that everyone in the fantasy community tells you is going to be good. Seriously, that guy fucking blows. TPSK got some really good output from fringe guys who typically wouldn’t start but, in the end, DK’s mediocre output hurt their chances of snatching a victory from TBB. The two teams also made a blockbuster deal earlier this evening which sees them move in opposite directions for the season.
Stylishly Spicy Uncle Gets Incredibly Close
Another super close battle saw the Funkles just edge America’s darling The Spicy Boys (not edging like when you touch your dick, I am simply talking about the score being very close. Fuckin’ sickos). The Funkles continue to get incredibly fucking lucky as their star QB has simply not been himself. They still boast a solid WR group but starting Tutu Atwell in a 10-man league shows serious signs of desperation. The Spicy Boys on the other hand but in a great shift. Fans across the league continue to talk about the joy they bring to their community. It’s incredibly heartbreaking that they couldn’t get the victory, but they should keep their heads up as they worked really hard and that’s all that matters. A special thank you to Derek who is the fucking man and gave me a very nice ice bucket & jacket courtesy of his workplace. A commissioner’s charity comp pick may be coming The Spicy Boys way!
Trans Rights, You’re Damn Right
Crazy things happen all the time. 9/11. Columbine. Sandy Hook. These are all crazy school shootings. Leicester City 2016 PL Title. George Mason. Butler. These are all crazy sports moments. Well, this week we got a historical Super League moment as the lowly Trans Cigarettes lit one up and ashed that shit all over the Nine Inch Males. People will talk about this upset for years to come. It is ETCHED in the Super League history book. An 0-6, very clearly tanking team knocked off the 6-0 powerhouse. It’s a beautiful story and one that Garvey is likely not happy about. Too many wins for the TCs could spell trouble as it is getting a bit crowded at the bottom of the table. NIM will be fine especially after they went and grabbed the clear-cut dynasty RB1 in CMC. Just like 9/11, this probably won’t happen again.
Fuck Man, My Zyns are Soggy & Sad
The Sad Dads may need to take a page out of ZYN Dynasty’s book and rebrand because there is no way you can be sad being 7-1 and having the team they do. Truthfully, as mental health awareness month nears (I have no idea when it actually is), I find the name Sad Dads fucking offensive. We will revisit this in due course. Another great matchup saw two of the better teams in the league come head-to-head. In the end, ZYN‘s reliance on Josh Allen to carry their dog shit RB group and under-performing superstar WR proved to be not enough. ZYN Dynasty had like 1 loss at this stage last year. They now have 5. I will be proven right that 1) the Sad Dads are the best team in this league & 2) ZYN Dynasty do not have enough to compete this year.
2023-2024 Post-Week 3 Power Rankings
- The Violent Beauregardes (8-0) [-]: They moved up last week due to what I would argue was a conflict of interest considering they wrote the blog but they’re fucking undefeated & the reigning champ. They stay.
- Sad Dads (7-1) [UP 1]: The gaslighting dads get a little bounce after a big week of double wins and the acquisition of JT may prove to help their chances moving forward.
- Nine Inch Males (6-2) [DN 1]: The upset of the century has NIM drop a spot but with the acquisition of CMC I think we could see them at the #1 spot very shortly.
- The Bitchin Batgirls (3-5) [UP 1]: TBB can’t seem to get a double win but their progress this season vs. where they were last year is commendable. Today’s trade surely makes them a playoff contender.
- ZYN Dynasty (3-5) [DN 1]: Fuck you pussy.
- The Funky Uncles (5-3) [-]: Their getting lucky in my opinion and if Joey B gets shut down, they could be in serious trouble.
- Choking the Belichicken (2-6) [-]: They’re not very good and losing the best fantasy producer so far this year doesn’t make them any better.
- The Portuguese Short Kings (2-6) [-]: They’re not in a good spot but they do have some capital and a lot of young WRs to make moves with. Jalen Hurts should keep them in enough games to potentially even sneak into the playoffs with how top heavy the league is this year.
- Spicy Boys (2-6) [-]: Sometimes being a key member of your community is more important than winning meaningless fantasy foiotball matchups. I love these guys.
- Transgender Cigs (2-6) [-]: A champion of cigs, trans rights & going to work. An excellent human being with a really bad fantasy team that still puts Kyle pItts in their lineup.
2023 Garvey Tracker
Cancelled this week due to lack of interview. Next week will feature a sit-down conversation… in video form. For all intents and purposes though Garvey is 4-0 and so are the Eagles…
Week 4 Preview & Picks
#7 Choking the Belichicken vs. #10 Transgender Cigs
The Battle of “Who can make it more obvious that they are tanking” sees bad team vs. bad team. I’m going to take the bad team. CTB win in comfortable fashion..
#8 The Portuguese Short Kings vs. #5 ZYN Dynasty
The Battle of “I Think I’m Good” vs. “Thank God I Have Jalen Hurts” is going to be a banger. I’m kidding. ZYN Dynasty rolls on to further delude them of reality!
#2 Sad Dads vs. #9 Spicy Boys
Good friends. Good mates. The friendship will stay in tack no matter what. As they say it’s not about the journey, it’s about the friendships we made along the way. Sad Dads continue to live a lie about being sad and win.
#3 9 Inch Males vs. #6 The Funky Uncles
A solid battle between two good teams. One is just a few inches better. NIM give the Funkles the D.
GAME OF THE WEEK: #1 The Violent Beauregardes vs. #4 The Bitchin’ Batgirls
Blogger vs. Blogger. One of the few potential playoff matchups this week. TVB are just simply too good.
Well boys, I hope you enjoyed my return. If you didn’t, it doesn’t matter. I will not love myself regardless of the feelings you have towards me. The boys had a solid night in FIFA which is good. We are getting better and that makes me happy. I recently quit Zyn for 7 days and truly convinced myself I could quit. I couldn’t. I should have probably had this part in the Since we last spoke Section of the blog, but I am delirious and incredibly high, so I am just typing away. I’m going to add some gifs now. Always had the gifs last. Goodnight.
Sincerely AND With Love,
Your Beloved Commissioner
AverageFantasyFootballGuy.com 