The Weekly Report – Week 3

“I’m not the step-blogger, I’m the blogger that stepped up.”

When one man falls, another must rise to the occasion. Due to the dire state of our always reliable commissioner, I have taken it upon myself to give you a much anticipated, and much worse write-up of week 3 of the greatest league in the world. And boy, what a week.

Week 3 Recap

ZYN Dynasty v Spicy Boys

The ZYN Dynasty proves to be a force boasting a top 10 all time score even without all-star Nick Chubb in his lineup. Raheem MustStart going for 48 and keeping his standing as the leagues number one RB cant possibly hold up can it? On the other side of the ball we had a very respectable performance from the always friendly Spicy Boys. Not much to say on that side other than great job and keep trying.

The Funky Uncles v Choking the Belichicken

The Funkles right the ship with his Vikings. Mattison finally had a respectable game and Jefferson, well just being Justin Jefferson. Deandre Swift proves to be a force behind the best offensive line in football and we also saw some solid production from his young flexed receivers. CTB loses on the median by a mere 1.05. Absolutely gut wrenching from a club that hasn’t seen much success thus far into the 2023 season.

Nine Inch Males v Sad Dads

The Dads continue to be sad this week as they put out a very respectable 133 points, but fall to NIM who also finds himself in the top 10 all-time scores this week. Keenan Allen was throwing touchdowns and catching every ball imaginable, while James Conner was running all over the team we are supposed to believe has one of the best defenses in football. Sad Dads do come away with a median win so they cant be all too upset with their performance this week.

The Bitchin’ Batgirls v Transgender Cigs

TBB running backs have proven to be the backbone of this team, although the running back he has playing QB could be looking for a fresh start somewhere new. Sources close to TBB state, “Justin Fields is very frustrated with the coaching staff and claims they are not using him properly”. Even 31 points from Kirk Cousins couldn’t save TC this week as TBB claim the victory but fall short of the median win.

The Violent Beauregardes v The Portuguese Short Kings

Bias aside, what a fucking week from TVB. WR heavy has proven to be the correct move through 3 weeks as TVB cruise to 6-0 on the year. The elevation of Sam LaPorta gave a huge boost to the offense, while the team still has to carry their sorry ass QB. TPSK seem to have entered “sell the most valuable asset you have” mode which could prove to be worrisome for the future of the franchise.

Week 3 Rankings

1. The Violent Beauregardes (6-0) [UP 1]: After falling in week 2 due to the great performance from The Sad Dads and the poor performance of their own, its only right that after a 202.11 point week they are back on top.
2. Nine Inch Males (6-0) [UP 1]: Hard to argue they should be any lower than 2 with a performance like that. NIM is very forreal and we could see these top 3 spots shuffle around all season.
3. Sad Dads (5-1) [DN 2]: The Sad Dads fall 2 spots given the loss they took, but mostly because of the performances from the others above. They aren’t going down for long.
4. ZYN Dynasty (3-3) [UP 4]: ZYN is back and its cool as fuck. His massive overpay for Jamarr finally showed up and made up for 3% of its value. (If Eddie was writing this you’d still be down at 8) – Editor’s Note: This is bullshit and I am telling you right now this shit is going to fall apart and Ben is going to try and quit this league in 2 years when he has 1 draft pick and Travis Kelce is opening up for T Swift instead of playing for the Chiefs.
5. The Bitchin Batgirls (2-4) [DN 1]: Eddies not gonna like this but it feels correct. With some highly touted players underperforming in the lineup mixed with a QB who is really struggling right now I find it hard to Keep TBB at 4, but even harder to move lower than 5.
6. The Funky Uncles (3-3) [-]: The Funkles stay put this week. A win against a struggling opponent, and possibly an outlier game from Mattison (he sucks), isn’t going to move you up the ranks for me.
7. Choking the Belichicken (2-4) [DN 2]: A rough week for CTB sees them falling 2 spots in the ranks. They can only hope this doesn’t snowball into something worse. At least last year it took him til week 6 to really fall apart.
8. The Portuguese Short Kings (2-4) [DN 1]: TPSK fell to a goliath of a performance this week so you cant fault them too much for that. Although not even being able to secure a median win could prove worrisome moving forward.
9. Spicy Boys (1-5) [-]: The Spicy Boys are sitting tight holding the 9 spot. Nothing further.
10. Transgender Cigs (0-6) [-]: TC is struggling to find any real production from his flex positions. Kyle Pitts might also be dead.

Week 4 Predictions

After a quick skim through this upcoming weeks matchups, its hard to think you’re going to get any crazy underdog stories from this one.

TVB v CTB

TVB coming off an astounding victory last week with CTB coming off a crushing double loss. CTB with CMC projected 28.11 is fucking insane, but its hard not to pick TVB in this one. Could come down to be closer than TVB hope for, but TVB pull it out.

TBB v TPSK

TBB have to be excited about Justin Fields matchup this week. If he can’t show out against Denver, then TBB could be in some serious trouble. Other than that, you’re not seeing too many favorable matchups on either side of this one. TBB convincingly.

The Funkles v Spicy Boys

The Spicy Boys have struggled through 3 weeks but man you can see the effort they give every week, that’s all you can ask for. The Funkles are getting rolling with all 3 of their wins coming in the last two weeks. That continues here, Funkles by double digits.

NIM v TC

TC has struggled to find their identity through the first few weeks. They’ve been in both games the past two weeks against much better opponents, but I’m sure they’re grateful for losses at this point. NIM rolls.

GAME OF THE WEEK

Sad Dads v ZYN

Two heavyweights going at it this week. The 5-1 Sad Dads v the 3-3 ZYN Dynasty. ZYNs record may not show it but when his team wants to they can be a matchup nightmare for opponents. I could see this being the highest scoring game of the week, and I’m going to take the Sad Dads by a hair.

Thanks for reading and I apologize this was nowhere near as good as we are used to from our beloved commissioner. Everyone be sure to reach out and give him well wishes as he has contracted chlamydia.

Your beloved, and only, champion,

Pat Shetzline