Well, that fucking ROCKED. Witching hour. OT games. Puka fuckin’ Nacua. The NFL is so back. After a shaky week 1, the league figured it out with a plethora of exciting action. And naturally, the Super League delivered with some BANGER match-ups. Let’s review the week that was and get ready for an EXCITING new segment.
Week 2 Recap
The Ghost of Cam Akers
TPSK danced with the devil last week by trading for Cam Akers. I warned them. That man is a fucking cancer. And shockingly I was once again proved right about him as he was a healthy scratch. For the second time in a year, the Rams are once again looking to move on from Akers. Obviously, he didn’t play in this week’s contest but just trading for someone with a track record like his was beyond ballsy. TPSK got pretty handily dismantled as the RB room continues to be of great concern. They still have a pretty young, solid WR group but I don’t think relying on Jalen Hurts for 25%+ of your points is a recipe for success in this league. While Week 1 looked like a promising start, I believe Week 2’s result is likely a regression to the norm. CTB, however, did not put on a show week 1 but followed it up with a very solid outing. They missed out on the median win due to the QB carousel they’re currently dealing with, but their star RB production was more than enough to carry them to a comfortable victory. I can’t quite get a read on their chances this season.
A Spicy Nine Inch Affair
The Spicy Boys are fucking grinders. They wake up. Work hard. And go home to make a spicy meal. Their expectations for this year are lower than low. However, this week, they fucking showed out. Even with their QB being useless they put on a performance for the ages against one of the toughest teams in the league. And guess what? They started two fucking tight ends. Do you know how bad ass that is? Anyway, NIM put together another signature win and the damage could have been even worse if the newly acquired Amari Cooper’s health status didn’t flip flop the way Sean McVay flip flops on his feelings about Cam Akers. NIM are damn good and their missing two superstars. A force to be reckon’ with.
Another Funkin’ Name Change?
The Zyn 3mg Cool Mints have shockingly rebranded, again. They will now go by the ZYN Dynasty which truthfully is the best name Ben has come up with. Took him three times but like they say, Zyn is great. Heading into MNF this matchup looked done and dusted. The ZYNMEN (I like this) were in a great spot with Chubb & Harris still to play. Then, it happened. Similar to that dark day in September of 2001, explosions were heard as Nick Chubb’s knee exploded as well as the ZYN Dynasty’s hopes of being a powerhouse within the league. They are thin everywhere except in their starting lineup. However, depth is the KEY to a winning organization and after they sold the whole farm system for 8.1 points Chase, it may be slowly crumbling. The Funkles put in a solid outing and Drake London even got involved. They’re in a weird spot right now where they are clearly decent but not quite what they were last year.
The Quarterback Factory presented by TBB
TBB came into the season with expectations that may have been a hair too high. The organization’s hopes have hinged on a man who simply may not be very good. However, a new hope has come as their bench QBs have staked their claim in the QB Carousel. A median win helped ease the worries in the locker room and it appears that Brandon Aiyuk’s presence has lit a fire under DJ Moore who was rumored to be on his way-out last week. The Jets’ inability to grasp that giving the ball to your best offensive player is a recipe for success dampened the Batgirls’ chances of a double victory as Breece Hall was rather anonymous. The Sad Dads on the other hand, are fucking real. Sucking John’s dick is the last thing I want to do (though… I mean…), but they have the weapons to make a serious run this season. Their RB depth is off the charts, they have the future assets locked up and they have the makings of a serious threat to the throne. Good fuckin luck everybody.
“I Am A Trans-Continental Railroad, Please Run A Train On Me”
This is the name of a song from one of my favorite bands. I always thought the title was funny but never understood the joke until I remembered that the vocalist was trans. Good song. Good band. Well, you’re probably wondering why that is even relevant. The Trans Cigs, who like SeeYouSpaceCowboy’s vocalist, are a team that is one with the Trans Community and this week, they put on a show. Very rarely will a team who lost get this much shine but after their Week 1 performance & the ensuing blockbuster trade of Jamaar Chase, very little was expected of the TCs. But they fucking showed out and almost pulled off one of the biggest upsets in Super League history. They had the QB1 & QB2 on the week on their bench and if their Starboy AR5 didn’t get concussed, they may be 2-2 on the season. Unfortunately for them, that was not the case. TVB moves on with a big win to start their title defense off on the right foot.
2023-2024 Post-Week 2 Power Rankings
- Sad Dads (4-0) [UP 2]: There will definitely be an uproar over this big move in the rankings, but their output has been stellar. Murmurs that a collapse could ensue after last week’s trade have been dispelled thanks to George Pickens’ career game. They’re very fucking good.
- The Violent Beauregardes (4-0) [DN 1]: The reigning champs slide in this week’s rankings but not through their own play. There is just a team above them who is simply too good at the moment. They did barely skate by the worst team in the league though…
- 9 Inch Males (4-0) [DN 1]: NIM continue to take care of business and they still have two studs waiting in the wings. A legit contender once again this year.
- The Bitchin’ Batgirls (1-3) [UP 2]: TBB had the hardest matchup of the week and still got a median win despite a brewing QB controversy. Pieces are there but the puzzle has yet to be put together.
- Choking the Belichicken (2-2) [UP 3]: Another win sees them climb the rankings a bit. That being said, they are still 0-2 against the median. Saquon’s injury could spell serious trouble for CTB.
- The Funky Uncles (1-3) [DN 1]: A win is a win, but they will have to feel lucky grabbing this one as Chubb’s injury played a massive role in the outcome. Odd times in Funkleville, odd times.
- The Portuguese Short Kings (2-2) [-]: A move back to reality as TPSK took the SL Biggest Loser Award ($5 to the future pool). Their RB room continues to be a massive hole and Jamaal Williams’ injury does not help their situation.
- 3mg Zyn Cool Mints (1-3) [DN 4]: A monstrous overpay for Jamaar Chase may come back to haunt them as their key cog in the backfield is done for the year and their other RB is fucking useless. DEAD.
- Spicy Boys (1-3) [-]: Great fucking performance for the boys this week as they nab a median win and put up a valiant effort against a Top 3 side.
- Transgender Cigs (0-4) [-]: The Cigs have to be devastated a median win was snatched away from them by a measly 1.50 points. They can however hang their hat on a vibe median win.
A Way Too Early Preview of the Zyn Cup Bracket To Cause Confusion
Below is the bracket structure for the inaugural Zyn Cup. This will be revisited in due time, but I was violently bored at work today, so I threw this together. Do with it what you will.
NEW SEGMENT ALERT: 2023 Garvey Tracker
With the help of our recently developed analytics department, the Super League is thrilled to announce the 2023 Garvey Tracker. The Garvey Tracker, shockingly, will track Garvey’s attendance at work following an Eagles game. The weekly segment will feature post-game/work interviews from Garvey to give the readers some context on what influences Garvey’s weekly decisions. We tried to reach Michael for a full-on interview but he vehemently declined.
When asked about his surprise appearance at work following Thursday Night’s victory, he said “It’s fucking Ben’s fault for dragging me to Brickhouse on a Thursday.“
He further expounded saying, “I didn’t have much of a choice. I have no PTO left.”
The Eagles may be 2-0 but Garvey is the real story starting the year 2-0. Who will have a better record this year? Only time will tell…
Week 2 Preview & Picks
Week 2 Picks: 2-3 (OVR: 6-4)
#4 The Bitchin’ Batgirls vs. #10 Transgender Cigs
TBB is in an odd situation but the TCs are committed to tanking. TBB in comfortable fashion.
#7 The Portuguese Short Kings vs. #2 The Violent Beauregardes
A matchup that is much tighter on paper than how it likely will turn out. TPSK are banged up at their most fruitful position. TVB continue their dominant start with another win.
#8 ZYN Dynasty vs. #9 Spicy Boys
The Spicy Boys grabbed a monster median win last week and are coming up a team in turmoil. Nick Chubb’s absence coupled with a gross RB room has the upset looking real. Spicy Boys get spicy with it.
#6 The Funky Uncles vs. #5 Choking the Belichicken
A battle between two of the best teams in the league last year sees them see each other in a much different place than last. CTB is going to miss Saquon mightily, but The Funkles have looked shaky to start the year. CTB get it done again (but probably don’t get the median win, again).
GAME OF THE WEEK: #1 Sad Dads vs. #3 9 Inch Males
The game of the week sees the Zoloft-dependent Fathers meet guys with nine inches to spare. It’s a monster matchup this early in the season and could be a preview of things to come. NIM come up against some TOUGH opponents making this matchup even harder. Sad Dads continue their push forward with a statement victory.
Another great week of Super League action folks. The blog is blossoming with new additions each week and the fandom is at an all-time high. I committed to my promise made last week and did not drink on Sunday. It was glorious. I am hoping to follow that up once again this week as I continue my journey of Sunday Football Sobriety. Love you all. ALSO, pre-congrats to NIM Governor, Fat Ry who will be tying the knot this Saturday. God bless you.
Sincerely AND With Love,
Your Beloved Commissioner
AverageFantasyFootballGuy.com 