Week 1 is in the books and good god that was some horrible football. The day started out with not one but TWO QBs catching their own passes and the horrid nature of the day did not stop there. However, we are here now, and I couldn’t be more excited. Week 1 brought us some juicy matchups in the Super League so let’s quickly dive into the week that was. I’m going to go in order of least notable games to what ended up being the best games.
Week 1 Recap
The Short Kings Put on Achiller Performance
TPSK put on a pretty solid performance in Week 1 and shocked the masses with a double win to start off the campaign. Questions will still be asked about their shaky RB room (I will touch on that new addition later) which saw them start both Packers RBs. However, Zay Flowers’ performance should give them some hope for the future if he can continue to present himself as Lamar’s 2nd option. Trans Cigs are flat out fucking dead. What might be a career ending injury for JK Dobbins may also be a season-ending injury for the TCs. Their running back room is truly gross but at least Anthony Richardson looked good!
A Funkin’ Blowout
The Funkles got absolutely obliterated by the Sad Dads in a game that may have been over before it even started. A theme that is likely a flashback to the McKinstry household in the early 2000s. Joe Burrow’s complete meltdown, D’Andre Swift’s usage being virtually zero & Drake London’s goose egg made this an impossible task for the Funkles. The Sad Dads on the other hand put on a show with even some to spare on the bench. Bijan looks like he was well worth the haul given up for him and Etienne may be the cowbell he was touted to be. I love the depth of the Sad Dads. They may be a problem in this league.
A Community Celebration
The first ever edition of the Super League Community Shield saw reigning champs TVB come up against the really good guys in the Spicy Boys. This was a beautiful game and a celebration of what this great league provides! Many of you are probably saying, “Dude it was a fucking blowout and one of the least competitive matchups” and to that I say, “You’re not wrong, but you simply don’t get it”. Key Takeaways from this game for the Spicy Boys: (1) Trevor Lawrence was a good acquisition. (2) Brian Robinson may own that backfield. (3) Jordan Love may also be a good acquisition. (4) Skyy Moore is a fucking bum. (5) John and Derek are great people.
9 Inches > 6mg > 3mg
Shockwaves were sent around the league when the team formerly known as Free Deshaun (which according to a study was considered the worst team name) decided to change their name to an equally as bad but more confusing one in the form of the Zyn 3mg Cool Mints. I truly don’t know what goes through Ben’s mind sometimes or if anything at all is even up there. While I predicted a blowout and that wasn’t the case, I was still correct in my belief that NIM was just simply the better team. Z3CM (their new acronym) did have some positives to take away as Calvin Ridley was clearly a great stash plus Deshaun Watson should be a great QB1 for them this year. I will die on this hill. They are not good. NIM got solid production from all of their key players highlighted by Cam Akers’ stellar 22 carry, 29-yard performance (scoring in this league may be broken).
.12 Buckle My Shoe, .34 I Fucking Hate This Scor(ing)
There are times in life where we all must admit our mistakes. Like that time, you called your mom a bitch or when you took too many edibles, or you drank 14 beers on a Sunday. Today, I stand before you to admit that the PPC stat may have been a bad idea. I mean fucking look at Cam Akers points vs. his actual stat line. I digress. Here’s a quick timeline of this match-up:
- Pre-Game: CTB projected to win 85.15 to 80.17
- 10:41 PM: CTB projected to win 84.60 to 83.50
- 10:47 PM: CTB projected to win 84.60 to 84.35 – Breece gets a 3-yard gain.
- 10:48 PM: TBB projected to win 84.87 to 84.55 – Dalvin gets a carry for -3 yards.
- 10:51 PM: CTB projected to win 84.91 to 84.79 – Dalvin gets a 1-yard gain…
For those of you wondering if this is a real timeline, yes. I fucking screenshotted the match-up multiple times while watching the game because I knew this would be fucking gold. To my demise it went against me. Fuckin’ bullshit man.
2023-2024 Post-Week 1 Power Rankings
- The Violent Beauregardes (2-0) [-]: The top dogs last year and they didn’t show any signs of stopping. A dominant performance which saw them also finish as this week’s top scorer. They are a force even with Dak’s less than sexy stat line.
- 9 Inch Males (2-0) [-]: A great win from NIM against a solid team sees them stay in contention at the top. The Tuesday afternoon acquisition of Amari Cooper should help them while JT & Kupp are out.
- Sad Dads (2-0) [-]: They proved that they are who I thought they were though questions will be asked on why they traded their son’s Godfather.
- 3mg Zyn Cool Mints (1-1) [UP 2]: Better than I thought but not who they think they are.
- The Funky Uncles (0-2) [DN 1]: Yucky performance but brighter things are surely to come. Depth HAS to be a concern at the moment.
- The Bitchin’ Batgirls (0-2) [DN 1]: Rough start but I believe with today’s acquisitions they have signaled to the league that they are very much trying to contend. That being said, the franchise’s chances hinge on Justin Fields.
- The Portuguese Short Kings (2-0) [-]: A shockingly good output in Week 1 even without a premier performance from Hurts. Today’s move though changes what would have had them as my #6 team. Trading Amari Cooper after one game for a guy WHO FUCKING CARRIED THE BALL 22 TIMES FOR 29 YARDS is a fucking disgrace.
- Choking the Belichicken (1-1) [-]: A win is a win and maybe the 8 spot is unfair to CTB, but I just don’t see that lineup being sustainable.
- Spicy Boys (0-2) [UP 1]: Great fucking guys. Good week for the boys. They worked their tails off but I’d much rather send Sky Bri out there to see what she can do than watch them roster Skyy Moore any longer.
- Transgender Cigs (0-2) [DN 1]: Tough week. Going to be a tough season. That being said, Garvey managed to pull off the biggest upset of Week 1 – He came to fucking work on Monday. Maturation at the highest level.
A Quick Sidebar From Your Regularly Scheduled Program
A Letter to Those Who Use Keep Trade Cut:
Please fucking stop. It’s helpful. It gives you a baseline. But if you seriously dump 10 3rd Round picks into that app it will tell you that you’re overpaying for Justin Jefferson. Just because an app says that a trade is equal does not make it equal. It’s fucking generated data from millions of people who play fantasy. Some of those people are good. Some of those people are my friend John Kenny who is a fucking fantasy moron. Don’t live by it because I promise you, you will die by it.
Sincerely,
A Concerned Commissioner
Week 2 Preview & Picks
Week 1 Picks: 4-1
#1 The Violent Beauregardes vs. #10 Transgender Cigs
This matchup is not even really close and it’s why I am touching on it first. It’s going to be a long season for the TCs. TVB in another rout.
#7 The Portuguese Short Kings vs. #8 Choking The Belichicken
I think Hurts could have a huge bounce back game, but I HATE Cam Akers which has been evident throughout this entire blog. That being said, CTB is my enemy, so I am going to with my heart. TPSK in a tight one.
#2 9 Inch Males vs. #9 Spicy Boys
The Spicy Boys are America’s heartthrob(s) and I imagine the whole country will be pulling for them. NIM. Stop it.
#4 The Funky Uncles vs. #5 Zyn 3mg Cool Mints
The Funkles struggled in Week 1 and the only way for them to get back is for me to pick against them. Stupid team name in a blowout. (I got you Jake)
GAME OF THE WEEK: #3 Sad Dads vs. #6 The Bitchin’ Batgirls
The Batgirls have not been a part of many notable matchups, but this early showdown is the tightest of this week’s matchups. Mark Andrews participation is critical buttfuck it, TBB get on the board. – See what I did up there^^ Funny guy!!
Well, that about wraps things up. I hope everyone is having a great week and I hope your weekend is even better. Personally, I am looking forward to NOT drinking on Sunday and parking my ass on the couch for 7 hours of uninterrupted, commercial-free football with my good friend Scott. Love you all!
Sincerely AND With Love,
Your Beloved Commissioner
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