What’s up you little bitches! Did you miss me? Today begins what will end up being another beautiful ride of fantasy football. This offseason has gotten off to a riveting start with the usual injuries, holdouts, and the NFL’s favorite…domestic violence. I’m not sure how true that last one is but if I was a betting man, I’d say there was at least a few players who fall into that category. As a disclaimer, the Super League does not tolerate ANY violence. Just wanted that to make that very clear.
Well, where to begin? Let’s start with the draft shall we…
2023-2024 Draft Recap – Team Grades
Before I hear bitching and complaining, I didn’t just pull these grades out of thin air. I utilize a very highly sought after piece of software that uses all sorts of algorithms and formulas to calculate proper grades. See the table above? Yeah, I didn’t just go into google sheets, type that information in, struggle when Sleeper was bugging out and didn’t recognize Ry’s team and then come up with grades on the fly. So, before you say that’s what happened, it fuckin’ isn’t.
2023-2024 Preseason Power Rankings
- The Violent Beauregardes – 22′-23′ Finish: Champion
- TVB is coming into the season looking relatively strong. It’s always hard to bet against the reigning champion so they stay in the #1 spot for the time being. While thin at running back and quarterback, they boast an elite wide receiver group that could help offset the deficiencies in other areas. A bounce back year from Dak will be critical for TVB to go back-to-back in the 2023-2024 campaign.
- 9 Inch Males – 22′-23′ Finish: 6th Place (1st Round Exit)
- NIM is likely still reeling from their colossal meltdown in the 1st round of last year’s playoffs. They were up against a team who literally tried to not make the playoffs and they still couldn’t get it done. However, a big offseason of moves including the acquisition of Patty Mahomes and some much running back depth puts them at the #2 spot. Questions about overall bench depth will always be there but the starting group is definitely a strong one.
- Sad Dads – 22′-23′ Finish: 5th Place (1st Round Exit)
- Sad Dads ended their season in sad fashion as they were stunned by TVB in a battle of brothers-in-law. However, in typical Sad Dad fashion, they made the most of the offseason trading multiple assets to get this year’s prize possession. While at the time it appeared that they grossly overpaid, hindsight may say otherwise. Bijan is a league winning player who could pay massive dividends for the Sad Dads. The strange acquisition of Justin Herbert may also be a key factor to focus in on this year as they are now on QB #9 in just under a year. Oh yeah they also acquired Garrett Wilson. Sick.
- The Funky Uncles – 22′-23′ Finish: 4th Place (Semi-Final Exit)
- The Funkles as I like to call them have had a bit of an odd off-season. The suspension of Alvin Kamara really hurts an already thin RB room, but they still boast one of the stronger WR groups even with the exit of Stefon Diggs & newly acquired then shipped off Davante Adams. Shipping off Mark Andrews though may be a move that they soon regret. All that being said, the Funkles are still a clear contender this year and could very well follow up last year with an even stronger performance in 2023.
- The Bitchin’ Batgirls – 22′-23′ Finish: 9th Place (Bijan Bowl Champion)
- A team that was perpetually at the bottom of the pile in 2022 made some cheeky moves to climb their way into this year’s top 5. Trading away the rights to Bijan may come back to haunt them but they were able to add some serious studs through trades & the rookie draft. Newly acquired pieces include KWalker (and his handcuff), Tee Higgins, Mark Andrews, and Joey Mixon. While Joe is not necessarily a good person, he has apparently been a great addition to the locker room and the community at large. A strong core of extremely young players continues to be a theme within the Batgirls’ organization but with some fresh faces there appears to be some serious hope of a playoff appearance this year.
- 3mg Zyn Cool Mints – 22′-23′ Finish: 3rd Place (Semi-Final Exit)
- The most dominant force in the 2022 Super League season had a crashing end. Their strategy of going all in on 2022 turned out to be for not and they are now stuck with an aging, depleted roster without much draft capital or youth in the lineup. Their starting lineup is still as good as it gets in the Super League but their bench is just fucking gross to look at. Seriously, I was just checking it out and I am now violently ill and on my way to the hospital as we speak. Raheem Mostert and Lenny as your RB depth is disgusting, and the receiver room might be even worse. Goodluck dickhead.
- The Portuguese Short Kings – 22′-23′ Finish: 8th Place
- TPSK had a turbulent 2022 season and unfortunately left with nothing. Their key pieces are still solid with the likes of Jalen Hurts, Josh Jacobs, and Amon Ra. Some additional youth injection of Dalton Kincaid and Zay Flowers should be nice pieces for the future. But now it is time to talk about ALL the pieces they moved… Over the offseason they moved Garrett Wilson, Rhamondre Stevenson, Jerry Jeudy and JT. While the return for some of them was solid, overall, it was simply not enough. They will be in rebuilding mode again this year and hopefully they stop trading with the same person who they also ask advice for. There is a clear conflict of interest there…
- Choking the Belichicken – 22′-23′ Finish: 7th Place
- Maybe the worst collapse in the league saw CTB fall from the 2nd best team at one point all the way to 7th place by the time playoffs started. They made some cheeky offseason moves coupled with some bad draft picks as well. They should be solid and #8 may be unfair but after last year’s choke job, how the fuck can I really trust them???
- Transgender Cigs – 22′-23′ Finish: 10th Place
- The TCs still have some solid pieces but after their demise late in 2022, they’re left wondering where did it all go wrong. Was it when they traded Justin Fields AND a 2nd Round pick for Trey Lance? They overpaid to grab a future QB1 in the draft and pissed a lot of people off in the process. (*Note: Those people are me. I am people. *) They return in 2023 with Captain Kirk at the helm with Gibbs & Chase as their primary stars. Kyle Pitts fucking sucks and their bench is really bad. The TCs have Gabe Davis in a starting role and for some reason they have Trey Lance on their taxi, and I am not quite sure how that is allowed so I will have to look into that. Tough roads ahead for the cigs.
- Spicy Boys – 22′-23′ Finish: 2nd Place (Finalist)
- The Spicy Boys are really good guys. John and Derek are outstanding citizens and overall provide a lot for society. I really do like these guys. Good fuckin’ people.
Introducing The Zyn Cup presented by 
A new, in-season knockout style tournament that will have zero effect on your regular season record. Winners of the prestigious Zyn Cup will be awarded multiple things:
- A Handcrafted Trophy using empty Zyn Containers
- $50
- A spot in the following year’s Community Shield
So, you are probably wondering two things: (1) What the fuck is the point? & (2) How does it work? I will answer each of these questions separately. I love soccer and tournaments, so this is a way for me to install some more soccer-esque flair into this beautiful league. And this is how it will work:
Based on last year’s results, teams will be placed into 4 pots.
| POT 1 – Playoff Missers | POT 2 – Playoff Losers | POT 3 – Playoff Winners | POT 4 – Finalists |
|---|---|---|---|
| #7 – Choking the Belichicken | #5 – Sad Dads | #3 – 3mg Zyn Cool Mints | #1 – The Violent Beauregardes |
| #8 – The Portuguese Short Kings | #6 – 9 Inch Males | #4 – The Funky Uncles | #2 – Spicy Boys |
| #9 – The Bitchin’ Batgirls | |||
| #10 – Transgender Cigs |
Week 7: POT 1 Teams face off; winners move on, and losers go home.
Week 8: Week 7 Winners face POT 2 Teams.
Week 9: Week 8 Winners face POT 3 Teams.
Week 10: Week 9 Winners face POT 4 Teams.
Week 11: The Zyn Cup Final hosted at Wembley Stadium in front of 90,000 fans.
Is this stupid? Maybe. Do I love it? Fuckin’ right I do. You obviously won’t be actually facing these people during this and it will function similar to the consolation tournament from last year. It’s a fun wrinkle and if you complain about it, I really don’t give a fuck. I assume some of you will be confused and when we get closer, I will create a full-fledge PowerPoint explaining it. I know Ry is already so lost if he’s gotten this far.
Week 1 Preview & Picks
The Bitchin’ Batgirls vs. Choking the Belchicken (-1.77)
A tight matchup which really comes down to Breece Hall’s snap count and Justin Fields’ ability to capture last year’s form. CTB take this one in a tight battle.
Sad Dads vs. The Funky Uncles (+13.99)
The battle of the brothers for what feels like the 5th time. Sad Dads offseason moves may prove too much. Sad Dads in a rout.
9 Inch Males vs. Zyn 3mg Cool Mints (+4.78)
Another game that hinges on health. If Kelce plays, it could be close but I am going to bet he doesn’t. NIM in comfortable fashion.
GAME OF THE WEEK: Transgender Cigs vs. The Portuguese Short Kings (+0.67)
The Game of the Week sees bad team vs badder team. Which one am I referring to? I don’t know. Draw.
COMMUNITY SHIELD: The Violent Beauregardes vs. Spicy Boys (+18.26)
The 1st ever Community Shield. While this game will be between different teams next year, this an exciting time for the league. Get fucking real though, TVB in a fucking bloodbath.
That’s it boys. That was really long. I have neglected a handful of responsibilities to complete this. I hope you enjoyed. And if you didn’t… well I don’t really give a fuck.
Signing off for the FIRST TIME this season,
Your Beloved Commissioner
AverageFantasyFootballGuy.com 