This is a week late. I am aware. Unlike many people in the fantasy community, I actually view NFL player as human beings not just assets on my team. It didn’t feel right to blog last week as a man’s life was hanging in the balance. Luckily, this league actually handled the situation fairly well as there was no complaining – though I do think that has to do with the scores of the two games in question more than anything. However, I do think that the majority of this league are NOT pieces of shit. Now there are some pieces of shit but we have a pretty good ratio of pieces of shit to none pieces of shit. I will write a blog soon regarding who I view as a piece of shit and who I don’t. Okay. I’m done. Let’s talk about the finals that were.
Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory: An Alternate Ending
Imagine if Violet never ate the gum. Imagine Violet isn’t an absolute bitch to her mom. What would have been the outcome of that movie? I mean it is an integral aspect of the movie. All of the children are little jerkoffs except for Charlie. But what would have happened if Violet was also well-behaved like little Charlie? Charlie is a bitch for what it’s worth and his grandpop is faking an ailment so he can collect disability. Absolute dirtball. And now as you read, you’re probably wondering what the fuck does this have to do with anything…? Well, I would describe this matchup as being exactly like that. The Violent Beauregardes, not be confused with Violet Beauregarde, never quite looked the part for most of the season. They made moves that seemed like they’d move the needle, but they never really got the immediate results. At times I viewed them as an elite team within the Super League but they continuously let me down. But then, in an absolute twist of fate, they decided to not chew the gum (the gum being losing in the first round – yes, I know, it’s a fucking incredible analogy).
TVB not only went on to win their first-round matchup, but they decided to go on an absolute rampage as they outscored every single team in every single round. It was a bloodbath. Thank God it wasn’t a chocolate bath or Augustus Gloop (Ry Dasch) would have drowned and likely died. Mike Evans’ explosion coupled CMC’s normal production & Dalton Schultz’s career game (check the stats its’ his 2nd highest output in his career) created a situation that The Spicy Boys just simply could not overcome.
The Spicy Boys are Charlie. They were patient. They never panicked. While everyone else was out making moves (you know like the scumbag kids in the movie), they stood strong. They made odd moves like trading Patrick Mahomes & Derrick Henry and they honestly appeared to be trying to play themselves out of the playoff picture. But sometimes fate finds you even when you’re not looking (truthfully, I don’t know what I mean by this but as I typed it, it made sense). The Boys pulled off a miracle run to the Championship. Knocking off arguably the two best teams in the playoffs.
Unfortunately for Charlie (The Spicy Boys), this version of Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory, sees Violet (TVB) become the winner. Congrats are in order to The Violent Beauregardes. They are the inaugural champions of a league that will go down in history. Hats off.
BBB(t)(T)BB: Bijan Bowl Belongs to The Bitchin’ Batgirls
Not much to recap as this was a blowout. Unfortunately, the Trans Cigs were unable to see if Ja’marr Chase & Gabe Davis could combine for 72.16 points to knock off The Batgirls. He’s mine boys.
Final Draft Order:
#1 – The Bitchin’ Batgirls
#2 – Transgender Cigs
#3 – Choking the Belichicken
#4 – The Portuguese Short Kings
#5 – Sad Dads
#6 – Nine Inch Males
#7 – The Funky Uncles
#8 – Free Deshaun
#9 – The Spicy Boys
#10 – The Violent Beauregardes
Well, that concludes what was a fantastic season. I hope you boys enjoyed these and I can’t wait for the spring. We’re going to have our league meeting sometime after the draft. I’d like to have the whole group together this time so we can vote on stuff and then go on with the draft. I love you all.
Signing off for the final time this season,
Your Beloved Commissioner
AverageFantasyFootballGuy.com 