A formal apology to the Super League:
Dear Super League,
I come to you today in a state of true remorse. Last week I did not honor a contractual obligation that comes with being the Commissioner of the Super League. I chose my job over what has recently become my real job and one that I am far more passionate for. Now many would say that I don’t need to be writing blogs or caring nearly as much as I do about something that provides me absolutely no income. To those people, you’re wrong and being the commissioner of this great league provides me something that money just simply can’t buy. And yes, it has caused problems in my relationship with my fiancé but that is just all part of the role that I accepted. I can’t say that a missed weekly blog won’t happen again, but I can assure you that I will do everything in my power to make sure that this doesn’t happen again. Once again, I am sorry for the pain and suffering that I’ve caused, and I hope that each & every one of you can find it somewhere in your heart to forgive me.
Sincerely,
Eddie DeAngelis Jr.
Commissioner of the Super League
With all that being said let’s get into Week 13 and a JUICY slate to help round of the final week of the regular season as we move into our inaugural playoffs.
Tired: The Batgirls Are in 9th Place; Wired: The Batgirls Might Literally Be the Best Constructed Team Going Forward
TBB once again pulled off the improbable and nabbed a win. They are one of only 4 teams (Lou, Ry & Ben) that have not scored less than 100 points once this season… I mean that’s a fucking solid group to be in the company of. Yeah, they’ve struggled to get median wins, but their rookie crop’s recent rise makes them a threat going forward. And with 4 picks in the first two rounds and a chance for the #1 overall, things are looking bright in BatgirlLand. Fueled once again by top WR CeeDee Lamb and budding superstar Christian Watson, the Batgirls commanded this entire matchup. Points were left on the bench though as they chose to bench Cam Akers who finally decided to fucking do something. Surely next week they’ll go with Cam and Kyren Williams will end up putting 40 up. Regardless there are many positives to go along with this performance including James Cook’s monster performance which could potentially catapult him into the No. 1 spot in Buffalo. The Sad Dads struggled in this one and not starting Devonta Smith ended up proving costly. While the double loss doesn’t completely hurt the chances of grabbing the #3 seed, it does take them out of contention for the first-round bye. Looking at points scored (the first tiebreaker), a job to the #3 spot seems unlikely. Not to mention TVB is on their tail and have the points for to potentially jump them (though that really wouldn’t make any difference).
Violet Chooses Violence (Again)
After weeks of incredibly unlucky losses to the median, TVB came back with a vengeance and stomped the fucking shit out of the TCS. The TCs might be the biggest losers that have ever graced the Super League and there is apparently internal discussions surrounding the possibility of relegating them to the Not So Super League. An abysmal run of form has seen them fall from the #2 spot all the way down to be entrenched in 10th. They’ve lost 15 fucking straight. Just catastrophic. But not the worst collapse as we’ll discuss later. Enough about the worst team in the league, let’s discuss TVB. This was an incredibly important win for them. If they had lost to the median again it would have given CTB a backdoor opening to sneak into the playoffs but boy is that door closed. The highest scorer for the week got some incredible performances from key guys like CMC, AJ Brown & Amon-Ra. They’re a sneaky good time and now that they’ve clinched a playoff spot, they should be feeling good about their prospects going forward. If health doesn’t become an issue, there’s no reason this star-studded group can’t compete on any given game week.
A Few Too Many Inches Short
The Funkles grabbed an incredibly important double win that saw them clinch the #2 seed and a first-round bye. There were some nervy moments throughout the season that almost saw them not get to this point but once again they came out and put on a show. The second highest scoring team this week finally have a QB and have gotten production from some unlikely pieces. Samje Perine’s recent explosion could pay massive dividends if Joe Mixon continues to miss time. D’Andre Swift also remembered how to play football which is exciting. They’re without a doubt the biggest threat to Free Deshaun but how much of a threat they truly are remains to be seen. Alvin Kamara’s violent decline as of late could prove to be extremely costly. NIM on the other hand had a rough week and continue to get brought down tremendously by Justin Herbert. Though it must be noted they were missing some massive pieces in Foreman, Conner & DHop. They were fortunate to have the Sad Dads put on a worse performance which allowed them to keep the #3 spot but with the double loss they are no longer in play for a first-round bye. They are one of the better teams in the playoffs but their going to need their starts to put up big numbers, including Justin Herbert.
Deshaun May Be Free but God Wins
Heading into Sunday Night it looked the TPSK was on the brink of doing the improbable as they held a relatively strong lead. However, Tony Pollard & Chris Godwin had other ideas as they combined from 41+ points and helped secure another double win for the league’s most hated, annoying and lucky team in Free Deshaun. A literal goose egg from Randall Cobb ended up being the reason TPSK fell short but they won’t be too upset as the playoff were never really in the cards. They now sit in the #8 spot heading into the consolation playoffs, somewhere they’d likely prefer not to be. Jalen Hurts continued his insane 2022 season and helped give them a sizeable lead after 1pm games. One of the tighter matchups unfortunately ended up not being as exciting due to the lack of playoff implications involved. Though I bet the Funkles would have loved an upset win from TPSK.
A Choke Job for The Ages
Saved this one for last. WOW. I mean seriously WOW. A team that was once seen as the only true threat to Free Deshaun has now completely collapsed. Losing 8 straight to see them plummet out of the playoffs. My heart does go out to CTB Governor Lou who has dealt with the #1 SOS (highest points against) while having the 2nd most points for. It’s just truly insane that it happened this way. I guess median scoring doesn’t always balance everything out in the end… or does it? When you really look back at it, Lou got a good chunk of his points from a few MASSIVE weeks (he currently holds 3 of the Top 10 highest scores this year). In the end, blowing his load on those weeks ended up costing him. The thing that must pain him the most is if he started Tua, he would still be alive… BRUTAL. Enough about those choke artists let’s talk about the darling of the Super League. An extremely unlikely playoff team. I’m impressed. They used my shit talking as fuel to catapult themselves into a playoff spot and the Spicy Boys will now look to play spoiler. I am fucking pumped… Back-up QB Tom Brady’s late touchdown on Monday Night proved to be enough to get the median win as well. Spicy Boys are looking Spicy at the right time.
Playoff Power Rankings:
- Free Deshaun (21-5)
- The Funky Uncles (19-7)
- 9 Inch males (16-10)
- Sad Dads (15-11)
- The Violent Beauregardes (13-13)
- The Spicy Boys (13-13)
Consolation Power Rankings:
- Choking the Belichicken (10-16)
- The Bitchin’ Batgirls (7-19)
- Portuguese Short Kings (9-17)
- Transgender Cigs (7-19)
PLAYOFF SCENARIOS:
- Free Deshaun– they’re essentially locked in at #1 barring some type of absolute explosion from the Funkles and/or literally 0 points from Free Deshaun. They’re clinched
- The Funky Uncles– they’re locked in at #2 but like I said above, they have a .00001% chance of jumping Free Deshaun
- 9 Inch Males– they’re in a very good position and can go no lower than #4. With a sizeable advantage in Points For, they will only need a split of Week 14’s results
- Sad Dads– an outside chance of jumping to #3 but would need 9 Inch Males to lose both while also winning both their matchups. No chance of winning the tiebreaker
- The Violent Beauregardes– in a battle that could see them go anywhere from #4 to #6. They have the advantage in points for but will desperately need a double win in Week 14 while also getting help elsewhere.
- The Spicy Boys– happy to be here and in honestly improbable fashion they too could somehow get the #4 seed…
Week 14 Quick Picks
TBB vs. The Spicy Boys – ROUT by the Spicy Boys
TVB vs. CTB – CTB is in a bad way and TVB are just too strong at the moment
Trans Cigs vs. Free Deshaun – stop it lmao. Free Deshaun
9 Inch Males vs. TPSK – with nothing to play for and a lot of byes, TPSK get smacked.
Sad Dads vs. The Funkles – Sad Dads have a lot left to play for but the Funkles are just better..
An incredible season concludes this week. I am very excited for the playoffs. Back to work before I get yelled at…
AverageFantasyFootballGuy.com 