Ohhhh baby. Week 5 is in the fuckin’ books and I’ll tell ya lads that was an electric week. Some disgusting low scores from some, another pair of dominant displays by the big hitters & an incredible spell of dumb brain from myself and Ry as we’ve been incorrectly computing how a median was calculated (I am a math guy though). Anyway, let’s dive into this weeks slate of exclusively blow outs.
The Batgirls Are Back, Girl
“Many men (John & Ben), wish death upon me Blood in my eye dawg and I can’t see I’m trying to be what I’m destined to be (the holder of the #1 pick)”
It was fitting that Brian Robinson returned the same week that I rose from the fucking dead. As I watch the video of him running out to Many Men I can’t help but to see the whole team (TBB) running out there with him. Wish he was on my team. Anyway, what a fuckin’ bullet I dodged. The Trans Cigs forgot to start Gabe Davis which helped ease my worries heading into MNF but according to my calculations it wouldn’t have mattered. That’s how good the Batgirls played this week. Nothing was going to stop these lads. Captain Breece Hall had his coming out party this weekend and boy I am bricked up about it. Unfortunately the TBBs came up short in terms of a median win but that was likely due to a Sleeper error. Look for that to get fixed soon. Anyway, the streak is over and I am praying for all the haters & losers (of which there are many).
Lexapro Isn’t Even Helping This Dad
HAHAHAHAHAHA. God I am absolutely reveling in this shit. John, who I consider a dear friend, committed a crime to get Javonte from me but now that he’s injured and he gave me his (2) baby boy (s), it is all crumbling apart. There’s nothing to even say about his performance in this matchup. Let’s talk about the fuckin’ Spicy Boys. A few weeks ago I may have misspoke when I said “Turns out going all in on the Elderly is as ineffective as running a daycare center” and also called them the “Mild Boys”. Turns out both of those statements were so wrong. The boys are fucking HOT. And the Elderly and daycare center are surging up the charts. Even with a goose egg @ TE and very little output from their flex slots, the boys dominated their way to a 2nd straight week with a median win and have now put themselves squarely back into the playoff conversation. See you in the consolation tournament, Sad Dads.
PSKs no longer in the Red But TVB is Feeling Violently Blue
Not going to lie. Rough week for both but my concerns lie with a team I have been extremely high on. TVB may be in a very bad spot at the moment. Their QB situation is just an absolute dumpster fire, TE situation is equally as bad, and Najee Harris MIGHT be a bust. That man has been fucking miserable this season and it appears he desperately misses Big Ben. PSKs however have to be feeling pretty good after grabbing the result. A massive trade came Thursday from the trade addict himself. Truthfully, I have no fuckin’ idea why he did that but this is what Mata does when it comes to fantasy. He makes wild trades that to 99% of people truly are bad but then like 60% of them work out. That’s a decent hit rate in my opinion. PSK also stand alone as the only team to never get a win against the median when winning an individual matchup but still are sitting in a decent spot right outside the playoffs. TVB desperately need to make a move for a QB. I simply can’t watch Pat put Russell Wilson out there one more time. I’m 1-9 and even that shit breaks my heart.
Deshaun Would Have Reveled in This Matchup
Nothing goes together better than Deshaun Watson and some type of uncomfortable sexual situation. NIM‘s incredible run came crashing to a halt when they came up against one of the hottest teams in the league. Free Deshaun is simply a fucking problem at this point. Even with shotty receiver play & stupidly starting Khalil Herbert, they simply are an unmovable object at the moment. However, NIM can’t be too upset as Josh Jacobs tumbled his way into gathering a vital median win for the boys. However its interesting because before the game I was told “Jacobs is historically bad against KC“. Now I am not going to fact check that but it was wrong and turned out to hurt me deeply.
TFU Gets RBU’d
God damn. I mean, CTB is a fucking WAGON. I was a bit low on their recent form considering a lot of it was coming from Lamar’s freakish performances. But now, even with him slowing down the last two week, it’s simply not effecting their performances. Their RB output is putting them above everyone in a full PPR league. It’s truly wild to me. You know you’re going to have a good week when your lowest scorer is fuckin’ Tyreek Hill. Absolute wagon. And thank you for reading last week’s Lou. You’re still a bitch (you’re actually not you’re very nice but I am testing you). The Funkles still had a really solid week and deservedly got the median win. Their one concern though has to be the QB position. It’s been killing them all year. However, I noticed a SLEEPER who resides on their bench and it may be time to activate that secret weapon. My start of the fuckin’ week: Geno “I ain’t call back” Smith
Week 5 Picks: 2-3
Picks to Date: 13-15
Post Week 5 Power Rankings as of 10.11.22
- Free Deshaun (8-2) ↔
- Choking the Belichicken (8-2) ↔
- The Funky Uncles (6-4) ↔
- The Spicy Boys (5-5) ↑4
- Portuguese Short Kings (4-6) ↑1
- Transgender Cigs (6-4) ↓1
- 9 Inch Males (5-5) ↔
- The Violent Beauregardes (4-6) ↓4
- The Bitchin Batgirls ↑10,000 (Hottest Team in the League)
- Sad Dads (3-7) ↓1
Week 6 Quick Picks
TVB vs. Funkles – Jimmy G time meets Geno Smith. I’m sorry but the Funkles are simply too good.
Sad Dads vs. Free Deshaun – Free Deshaun desperately need MT back but like its the Sad Dads lmao…
TCs vs. CTB – I refuse to pick against CTB.
NIM vs. Spicy Boys – NIM are very lucky the way this matchup panned out. No Tractorcito, no part for the boys. NIM win.
GAME OF THE WEEK: TBB vs. PSKs
HAHAHAHA. Yeah that’s fucking right. I am in the game of the week. And I’m probably starting Isiah Likely. And guess what? I fuckin’ deserve this. But in all seriousness this is definitely the tightest matchup. Big battle between me and my little Portuguese best friend. I don’t want to jinx myself but…
Great week. I mean GREAT week. I love you all. I’ve been getting side eye for writing this because I’m not paying attention to Boy Meets World. I actually really like the show. Eric is hilarious and Feeney is the man. That being said, Topanga is fuckin’ detestable. Top 5 worst female protaganist. Anyway, see you lot next week for another fun weekend + Monday + Thursday of football.
Signing off (and so fucking back), your beloved commissioner.
AverageFantasyFootballGuy.com 