The curse has been broken. Two new entrants to the “Wow, We Fucking Sucked” (WWFS) Weekly Award. This will be given weekly to whoever (somehow) finishes below me. Welcome Gentleman! This is like the Heisman house except it’s set in a rundown house in Kensington riddled with lethal doses of fentanyl!
Another great week but a big dip in scoring. We even had a Monday night comeback to cap it off. Few trades happened (our first ever 3 team trade) as teams begin to really show their true colors. Let’s talk about it.
The Batgirls’ Reality That They May Not Even Be Robin Continues To Settle In
It’s so fucking bad. I’m trying. But even when I attempt to solidify my team one of the main pieces I trade for is hurt. And then don’t get me started on Trey McBride. Who even cares? TVB continues its surge with their second top 2 weekly finish so far this year. Things are looking bright, like someone’s smile, after chewing gum. You know who else likes chewing gum? Alright I’ll stop. Anyway, TVB sticks a Trident right thru the chest of the Batgirls. Least shocking result of the week.
Toilet Bowl Ends with Sad Dads Finding Themselves Inches Away From Victory
Ha. What a fucking bunch of losers. Two people, even the Batgirls could have beaten this week! Excuses are available though as uncharacteristic QB play and injuries to the running backs is what made this a low scoring affair. A special thanks is in order for Sad Dads owner John McKinstry who has now chugged a Guinness (psycho move) two mornings in a row. Regardless of who lost this matchup, that punishment would not have been a big deal because neither of them leaves the comfort of their home during their “8 hour” work shift.
The Funkles Walk To Victory Against the Mild Boys
Turns out going all in on the Elderly is as ineffective as running a daycare center. The Spicy Boys downfall continues as they go 0-2 once again this week. With pretty good output from their main positional players, lack of depth is starting to take a toll on their weekly performances. On the other side the Funky Uncles continue their surge under possible QB of the future Trevor Lawrence. They currently sit top of the table with a resounding 5-1 record. Besides the volatility at QB, their receiver output (starting WR avg. of 21.44 pts well above everyone else in the league) is propelling them into the #1 spot.
Zeke Eats Late as the Trans Cigs Tum(ble) To A Comeback Win
Get it? Like eating late can cause acid reflux so you’d need a tums? That was funny when I wrote it this morning. The only matchup heading into Monday with the possibility for lead change. Trans Cigs entered the night down 15.45 and projected to lose by a mere .91 points. However, known superstar and definitely the cowbell running back Ezekiel Elliot said fuck your projections, I’m eating. Did he eat? No he didn’t but he scored an all important touchdown to seal the win. The PSKs got another incredible performance from Jalhim Hurts but left ALOT of points left on the bench ended up being their downfall. New boys JT and Drake London put up modest efforts. If the PSKs want to make the playoffs, they better stop coming up short (king). — wow these are getting worse.
Free Deshaun Gets Choked and This Time Doesn’t Like It
Finally. Ben and his dumbass team get humbled. The bold two TE strategy did not work but it truly didn’t matter unless he knew Khalil Herbert would have come in. Lou’s team is playing loudly right now, unlike him who has been MIA for quite some time. I’m not sure how much longer he can ride the Lamar Jackson train but so far it’s working. This one turned out to be pretty boring as once Sunday began, it looked like it was going to be CTB’s day. However, Free Deshaun could catch a massive break going forward as they currently roster two ELITE handcuffs in Hebert & Mattison (should be RB1 who could see starts this coming week.
Week 3 Picks: 2-3
Record to Date: 9-9
Post Week 3 Power Rankings as of 9.27.22
- The Funky Uncles (5-1)↑1
- Free Deshaun (4-2) ↓1
- The Violent Beauregardes (4-2) ↑1
- Choking the Belichicken (4-2) ↑1
- Portuguese Short Kings (3-3) ↓2
- Transgender Cigs (4-2) ↑2
- 9 Inch Males (2-4) ↑2
- The Spicy Boys (2-4) ↓1
- Sad Dads (2-4) ↓3
Unranked (Receiving no votes): The Bitchin’ Batgirls (0-6)
Eddielytics
A new segment that I will periodically do. I nerded out hard and created a spreadsheet tracking everyone’s stats so I’m just going to throw them at you.
| Rank | Team | RB Production (avg.) | Team | WR Production (avg.) | |
| 1st | TVB | 19.75 | Funkles | 21.44 | |
| 2nd | Free Deshaun | 19.39 | Choking The Belichicken | 16.65 | |
| 3rd | Sad Dads | 17.90 | Trans Cigs | 16.56 | |
| 4th | Spicy Boys | 15.92 | TVB | 16.05 | |
| 5th | Trans Cigs | 15.74 | Portuguese Short Kings | 15.87 | |
| 6th | CTB | 14.61 | Free Deshaun | 14.52 | |
| 7th | Portuguese Short Kings | 14.48 | Sad Dads | 12.14 | |
| 8th | Nine Inch Males | 13.77 | Nine Inch Males | 12.11 | |
| 9th | Funkles | 11.63 | Spicy Boys | 10.38 | |
| 10th | Batgirls | 11.34 | Batgirls | 9.33 |
- Not shocking that the Batgirls rank dead last in both categories
- The Top 4 in WR production make up 4 of the Top 5 (CTB outlier gaining most production from QB in the league)
- Funkles domination at wideout make up for their second to last RB production
- Trans Cigs & TVB only two teams in the top 5 of both categories
Week 4 Quick Picks
TBB vs. Sad Dads — Upset of the Year Time
TVB vs. Trans Cigs — Tight battle. Comes down to ArSb playing in my opinion but the soft matchups for TVB give them the edge
The Funky Uncles vs. NIM— NIM in an upset
CTB vs. Spicy Boys — Another upset. The week of the upsets!!
GAME OF THE WEEK: Portuguese Short Kings vs. Free Deshaun
- Free Deshaun in their third straight game of the week. PSKs have the players to compete but if Mattison definitely starts I think it might be too much to overcome.
I fucking love fantasy football. I don’t have much to say. I am sorry for bailing on the punishment the first two weeks. I will do better. I love most of you.
Signing off (but no longer as depressed), your beloved commissioner.
AverageFantasyFootballGuy.com 