Cut my life into pieces, fantasy is fucking trash. Drafted like a fucking idiot, made trades that were incredibly rash.
Well lets begin a recap of what turned out to be an extremely fun week (for most) of some high scoring matchups (lol, god writing this is just fuckin killing me).
TBB Get A Whole Lot More Than Nine Inches
Shocker. Wow. Who cares? Just a consistent performance from the NIM but they miss out on the median win so only barely improve their record to 1-3. Nothing really left on the bench that would have changed that but Curtis Samuel looks like he might be a viable pick up. The real question going forward is could Alabama beat The Batgirls?
Sad Dads Turn Glad Dads As They Take Win #1 in Stride
With solid production from literally everyone except the TE position, the Sad Dads may be the contender I thought they were and their bench looks pretty deep too with Big Red Carson Wentz looking good in losing efforts. TVB shouldn’t feel too blue though as it was an off day for many of their players. Waves were made though late Monday night when the blockbuster trade was completed. In the immediacy I think it helps TVB at receiver and gives them a nice pack of Extra draft capital to continue their build. There were 3 very well crafted jokes sprinkled in there.
Transgender Cigs Make the Spicy Boys Question Their Current Orientation
Seems like we’re gonna get one of these games every week. I like it. Another median outlier matchup though it was a fun one. Going into Sunday night the Spicy Boys* were projected to win this one but after a dud from Mooney and an uncharacteristic showing from Tractorcito, Boobie was able to carry the Cigs to a BIG win but one without the all important median win.
Short Kings Get Deflated & Choked Out in a Barn Burner
Jalen Hurts almost carried the PSKs to a remarkable comeback victory. Down big and projected to lose by 30, the combination of Hurts’ monster game and Dalvin Cook being shut down made for a spicy finish to this one. In the end though, this week’s high scoring team got a well deserved win. Lou is of minimal interaction but he quietly has assembled one of the better teams in the league. With Tua on the bench and Etienne/Pierce starting to cement roles in their respective offenses, CTB might be a competitor and have some movable pieces to create a true dynasty.
The Funky Uncles Can’t Diggs Themselves Out of This (Glory) Hole
Second week in a row that my game of the week turns out to be the game of the fucking week. What a matchup. Heading into Sunday Night it looked like the Funky Uncles were going to be able to squeeze out a win after Waddle’s monster performance and despite Matt Ryan’s violent decline. But Aaron Jones helped literally free Deshaun and got his team squarely back into the matchup. The combination of Diggs’ production coming directly from Ben’s QB and JJeff getting fucking clamped by Slay made it almost impossible for the unlikely comeback. The Funkles do get the median win but Free Deshaun continues their shocking (I guess only to me) start as they take the early matchup between our current number 1 and 2 seeds.
Week 2 Picks: 3-2
Record to Date: 7-6
Post Week 2 Power Rankings as of 9.20.22
- Free Deshaun (4-0) ↑2
- Hot Diggsity Dawgs (3-1)↔
- Portuguese Short Kings (2-2) ↑2
- The Violent Beauregardes (2-2) ↓1
- Choking the Belichicken (2-2) ↑4
- Sad Dads (2-2) ↑2
- The Spicy Boys (2-2) ↓6
- Transgender Cigs (2-2) ↓2
- 9 Inch Males (1-3) ↓2
Unranked (Receiving no votes): The Bitchin’ Batgirls (0-4)
So uh, that trade…
JT (the undisputed #1 dynasty asset) and Drake London (unproven but consensus #1 rookie WR) for 2 1sts, Najee Harris (a top 10 asset) and Amon-Ra St Brown (one of the most productive wide receivers in fantasy since Week 12 of last year and a goddamn target machine).
I’ll wait to grade this until some time has passed but I can’t help but to give the edge to Pat here. 2 firsts with a downgrade at RB (albeit not one I find to be as significant) and an upgrade at receiver. Whatever. No one fucking cares about my thoughts, I’m trash. Let’s hear from some sources around the league though!
“Is that trade disabled or am I disabled?” [Note: the editors felt that the actual quote would have gotten this team’s manager Gruden’ed from the league]
“I’m literally dumbfounded”
“A trade to remember”
“I hate Najee Harris”
*On {redacted} being mad about the trade*: “Prob(ably) bc he traded mata like mata trades everyone else”
From a team representative of The Violent Beauregardes:
“You know what they say, there’s a price for everything. While it was very hard to part ways with the consensus fantasy 1.01 after a dominant 9 point game against the AFC South leading Jaguars, the haul was enough for The Violent Beauregardes to commit to. To be honest the hardest part of the departures on TVB’s end was Drake London. Drake London is touted as one of the best rookie WRs in the league at the moment, being held back by an abysmal ATL offense.
The talks were long and tough between TVB and TPSK, and JT was not involved until the latter portion of these. Amon-Ra St. Brown was always a target for TVB as he is currently the best fantasy receiver in the league that’s not almost 30 years old. Regaining a stud young RB in Harris combined with the 2 first round picks, TVB is very happy with their return and will be looking to continue to make moves in order to obtain another young RB. Consider those first round picks on the trade block.”
Week 3 Quick Picks
TBB vs. The Violent Beauregardes — Fucking blowout by TVB
Sad Dads vs. NIM — Sad Dads continue their mood swings and win
The Funky Uncles vs. Spicy Boys — Tight matchup but the Funkles move
TPSK vs. Trans Cigs — TPSK first game with the new boys, no Mike Evans & QB purgatory make this a TPSK win
GAME OF THE WEEK: Choking the Belichicken vs. Free Deshaun
- Another big game for Free Deshaun as they meet the only team to outscore them last week. Analytics are giving CTB the edge but with some bloated projections & Lamar likely not being able to replicate last week’s performance, I have to continue to ride with my preseason #10.
Well that wraps up another week. An awesome start so far and though it hasn’t even remotely fucking mattered to me, this median scoring thing is pretty fucking cool. And FAAB. See there are positives going on here! Thank god I enjoy doing this because it is truly the only thing that is keeping me from going over the edge. I love fantasy far too much to just suffer all season but there just doesn’t appear a way out for me… unless.
Signing off (forever), your beloved commissioner.
AverageFantasyFootballGuy.com 