HAHAHA. AND I WAS EXCITED LAST WEEK. Well it’s over. That excitement has been completely mutilated by countless injuries, some obscene duds and Cam Akers.
Going forward I’m to structure this as more of a recap of the previous week followed by some picks for the next week. Super League Country, let’s ride!
TBB get absolutely curb stomped by the Spicy Boys
I mean I did call this. I knew my team wasn’t very good but wow this situation may be more dire than I originally thought. Between Joe Burrow throwing 4 picks and Cam Akers just being a piece of shit, I am not liking TBB’s outlook going forward. Everyone on my team actually fucking sucks. This is my only “high-scoring” league and it was my lowest output in a 0-4 week. The Spicy Boys on the other hand looked, well, spicy. Mahomes snapped, Kupp is still Kupp, and Fournette may actually be good. The old men take down the young st(d)uds.
Sad Dads look towards anti-depressants as The Funkles win in a rout
Reports out of the Sad Dad’s facility say players were seen leaving in tears after this week’s game and team doctors ran out of ink in their pens as Zoloft scripts were being written left and right. Speaking of not being right, maybe Brandon Aiyuk isn’t good after all… What made this result even more shocking was the minuscule 5 points the Funkles got from Dak who may force them to look at the QB market. (I’ll give you Joe Burrow)
Transgender Cigs exposed by the Free Deshauns and denied a happy ending
I wrote this headline 24 different times trying to keep it PG. So uhhh, looks like Ben’s team might be pretty fucking good after all. Even with some brutal output from a few starters, the Free Deshauns still take the crown for highest point total. The Transgender Cigs however may be looking towards Kirk Cousins because Trey Lance did not like that shit yesterday. Though I do think there’s no need to panic as the TCs got some solid output from their bench.
Violet gets violent and Chokes the Belichicken
Saquon might be fucking back which makes the VBs running back core looking like a scary sight this upcoming season. Not to mention AJ Brown has some fucking dawg in him. This ended up being a pretty comfortable performance but Lou left some points on the bench with Cordarelle Patterson continuing to Benjamin Button the league as he somehow gets better with age. Plus Lamar didn’t really Lamar which will not be a consistent theme. As the season goes on.
Median Scoring Skullfucks Game of The Week
Wow. The only one. The Portuguese Short Kings are the first victor of the season to suffer the crushing feeling of winning your matchup but simply not scoring enough. This matchup definitely lived up in terms of how little there was between these two teams. In the end it came down to the Nine Inch Males most likely trying to get too cute and take a Monday night guy when AJ Dillon would have won the matchup. Both teams are still very good in my opinion and I’d fucking kill to have either of their teams.
Week 1 Picks: 4-4
Post Week 1 Power Rankings as of 9.13.22
- The Spicy Boys (2-0) ↔
- Hot Diggsity Dawgs (2-0) ↑1
- The Violent Beauregardes (2-0) ↑4
- Free Deshaun (2-0) ↑5
- Portuguese Short Kings (1-1) ↔
- Transgender Cigs (1-1) ↔
- 9 Inch Males (0-2) ↓5
- Sad Dads (0-2) ↓4
- Choking the Belichicken (0-2) ↓1
- The Bitchin’ Batgirls (0-2) ↓1 (LOSER OF THE FUCKING WEEK)
Week 2 Quick Picks
TBB vs. Nine Inch Males (-25.5) — Fucking blowout by NIM
Sad Dads vs. TVBs (-8) — TVBs move on again with another W
TCs vs. Spicy Boys — Should be a battle, TCs bounce back
TPSK vs. CTB — TPSK gets another win, but maybe not the median win (;
GAME OF THE WEEK: The Funky Uncles vs. Free Deshaun
- Love this matchup. Two perennial power houses go toe to toe in only week 2. Lack of depth is gonna kill Free Deshaun right now with Godwin out but I like the underdog story.
Great start to the season. Some teams started out hot, others started out cold, and then there’s one team that just really thinks this is all drivel and that maybe fantasy football really isn’t worth it. There truly is so much more to life than staring at your phone on a Sunday (when you’re already depressed) and getting more depressed as you watch your dog shit team put up dog shit numbers for a little kids game! I mean really guys, what the fuck are we doing here?
Signing off (forever), your beloved commissioner.
AverageFantasyFootballGuy.com 