We’re finally fucking here… I can’t begin to explain how many times a day I go on the Sleeper App and mindlessly look around to fill the void of (fantasy) football. But have no fear because we are indeed finally here (I might have a little Dr. Seuss in me). Opening week of the inaugural kick off of THE SUPER LEAGUE. It’s rivalry week, lads.
I’m going to run through the games in order of how I view them competitively. However as we all know, fantasy is a complete fuckin’ crap shoot and the team worst equipped to win now (most definitely me) could end up having the best week (I won’t).
5. The Battle of the Age Gap: The Bitchin’ Batgirls (TBB) +16.5 vs. Unnamed Team Run By Derek and John
Before I begin, I want to express my anger at the unnamed nature of this team. I have minimal power but I really want to levy a fine. How am I supposed to get league shirts made if they don’t even have a team name..? This was a simple task. One which has been relayed many times. I’ll make the damn logo. Whatever, we move. Pretty easy matchup. As the name of the game shows, UTRBDAJ (that’s annoying isn’t it??? wouldn’t be so long if there was an associated team name) are equipped for right now while TBB is running a young adult day care center and teaching most of the players how to put on their helmets. The Batgirls do have 7 out of the 10 consensus dynasty rookie WRs though so if this game was played last year and college stats counted, I like my chances.
PICK: UTRBDAJ handily with a comfortable cover
4. The Battle of the Brothers: Sad Dads +11 vs. Hot Diggisty Dawgs (HDD)
John and Jake’s story, who are brothers, begins at birth. The two are known for having a great deal of love and respect for one another (I’ve never met Jake) so this will be an extremely emotional matchup between the two. Both teams made some quick additions via trades with the Sad Dads looking really strong at RB (especially after harassing me to get Javonte) while HDD’s WR corps are head and shoulders above. This matchup could come down to the wire as newly acquired Javonte Williams will get to close out the battle on Monday night.
PICK: HDD pull it out but I like the Sad Dads with the points
3. The Battle of Curleys: Free Deshaun (shit name) -8 vs. Transgender Cigs (TC)
When I was originally writing this the TCs didn’t yet exist. What a name. Nobody knows what it means but wow is it provocative. In regards to Ben’s team name, what a loser. 0 effort and borderline fine worthy. Let’s get to the matchup. Another good battle between two great friends. The TCs have the edge at WR in my opinion while free deshaun (why man, why?) have the obvious advantage at QB. A good mix of late Sunday and Monday night starters should see this matchup come down to the wire.
PICK: Give me the Cigs and the points
2. The Battle of Fox Chase Cancer Center: The Violent Beauregardes (TVB) +4 vs. Choking the Belichicken (CtB)
God, what a team name. I mean it really doesn’t get much better than that. Our co-game of the week sees another battle between two friends/two co-workers. Both teams are stacked at the RB position and there is really no positional advantage besides maybe QB. However, don’t discount the absolute fucking nerd Russell Wilson. Old mates will close out this battle on Monday night as Russ takes on his former partners Tyler Lockett and DK Metcalf. Only person turning blue after this matchup will be Lou as you can hear in the background “You’re turning violent, violet.”
PICK: TVB outright
1. The Battle of Bustleton: 9 Inch Males (NIM) -1.5 vs. Portuguese Short Kings (PSK)
Game of the week. A MONSTER match-up. Hot QBs, pretty hot running backs, WRs are pretty equal. Flex match up is even. Doesn’t really get much better than this. Also, two great team names. Mata is Portuguese but without Ronaldo should have no issues shining by himself. And Ry is projecting. TRUST ME. Mata got a little trade happy early on but all those moves have seemed to work out as this is a matchup between the 2nd and 4th projected highest scorers. PSK could be sneaky competitive this year, especially if guys like Melvin Gordon and Rhamondre Stevenson are able to carve out sizable roles. Plus with a Monday night matchup guy on each team, this is another barn burner.
PICK: 9 Inch Males cover
Well that concludes this week’s preview. I used no data analytics to come up with any of my predictions. This shit was straight from the heart. I’m excited. Dare I say bricked up. Tune in next week for a recap as well as a less than comprehensive preview of Week 2. I also would like to sprinkle in my Hottest Teams Power Rankings but that one is getting held up by my analytics department. It’s a spicy one.
Before I go. My current power rankings (for this season alone)
Preseason Power Rankings as of 9.6.22
- UTRBDAJ
- 9 Inch Males
- Hot Diggsity Dawgs
- Sad Dads
- Portuguese Short Kings
- Transgender Cigs
- The Violent Beauregardes
- Choking the Belichicken
- Free Deshaun
- The Bitchin’ Batgirls***
*** Would be really good if this was a fantasy football league for college football during the 21-22 season. Just wanna hammer that point home.***
Signing off, your beloved commissioner.
AverageFantasyFootballGuy.com 